tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-132467082011-04-22T01:41:44.609+01:00This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comBlogger1431100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1149553364063928842009-12-31T00:07:00.000Z2008-07-14T23:14:33.087+01:00

Don’t panic!You haven’t been in an accident, fallen into a coma and then travelled through time. This is just a post-dated post to keep it at the top of the page.Having been out to grass for a few months now, the penny has finally dropped: Knoll building isn’t very exciting; whereas embroidery is full of thrills, spills and endless possibilities. While I try to get my (non-profit) pattern

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-17965474489924844372008-09-28T00:07:00.000+01:002008-10-01T00:46:20.283+01:00

I’m no Gordon Gekko.Yet even I haven’t had a problem noticing that we’re in the throes of a banker cull. I’m pleased to see that our leaders are doing their best to keep them in sharp suits and Lamborghinis with a few billion quid. It’s not surprising they didn’t have the cash for my three hundred pounds last year, nor this year. It’s all about priorities you understand.It was also nice to see

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-13362283711674439242008-09-14T00:07:00.000+01:002008-09-16T23:53:32.952+01:00

I’m no Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.But no-one would accuse me of not knowing one end of a stipple brush from the other.Sadly the same can’t be said for much of my customer base.It can also be said, quite safely, that I’ve never been to a house pictured in a Homes & Gardens centrefold. Though this doesn’t mean that I haven’t seen some jaw dropping ‘design features’ that should have been in a magazine

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-74233229265290466692008-09-07T00:07:00.000+01:002008-09-08T21:03:24.863+01:00

A wise response officer is always armed to the teeth.With a book, magazine or a portable gaming device.They should also consider the value of a cheese sandwich or pork pie.What use are they in the modern crimefighter’s toolbox I hear you ask. Surely we won’t be able to rid the Metropolis of murderers, rapists and robbers with the threat of a light snack or two? How will a well-thumbed lads mag

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-62951080576815457082008-08-31T00:07:00.000+01:002008-08-31T00:51:01.695+01:00

Apologies for not posting last week.I was tied up at the largest street festival in Europe. It’s something I look forward to every year, not as much as my electricity bill, but not far off. Try as I might, I can’t avoid either of them, until I get some solar panels fitted I suppose.I especially enjoy getting there ridiculously early. That increases my chances of bumping into an actual resident.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-55382517857298757892008-08-17T00:07:00.001+01:002008-08-18T23:54:12.450+01:00

I wasn’t always this angelic.There was a time in my life that my mother would rather forget.The time when I was a big fish in The Piranha Posse to be exact.It wasn’t for very long, just while I was a teenager doing my bit for the disaffected yoof. The members were all from the same inner city collection of vertical communities much vaunted in the drug addled sixties and seventies. These days the

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-48661421968301536102008-08-10T00:07:00.000+01:002008-08-10T23:11:07.902+01:00

I may have been away knitting.But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention.The thing is, my working hours are filled with an endless stream of initiatives and new ideas. It makes for an entertaining and varied life I can tell you. At the start of most weeks I like to think I’m a crime fighter, just for nostalgic purposes you understand. This illusion is usually shattered by the time I’ve read

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-13656627283620450112008-08-03T00:07:00.001+01:002008-08-31T00:50:17.544+01:00

With true British reserve.We’re trying to make sure our prisoners keep up with the 21st Century.The Home Office has been planning, for some time now, to let some of our incarcerated lads and lasses have limited access to the internet, for education purposes only of course. Obviously, this will only be used when there isn’t anything on their Plasma TVs, they’re suffering from Playstation thumb and

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-91219144054991854072008-07-27T00:07:00.000+01:002008-07-27T21:43:07.413+01:00

I do often wonder how we used to manage.Before the electronic age I mean.How did we ever know what direction the Force was taking that week? I think we just assumed it was the same as the previous century and we were supposed to be fighting crime. These days it’s not entirely clear, but at least we can be pointed at the right missive to put us straight.In fact, I’m inundated with missives, none

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-22825795944683647022008-07-20T00:07:00.001+01:002008-08-31T00:48:25.570+01:00

Something strange has happened since we last spoke.No, I haven’t gone sick with stress.Nor gone ‘on the square’.I haven’t even transferred to the colonies with hundreds of my ex-colleagues.No, it’s stranger than that: You see, I’ve become an old sweat.This now means that the pens you can see in my pocket are there purely for show, and for filling in the overtime state of course. If you’re lucky

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-70703032416359251962008-07-13T00:07:00.001+01:002008-07-14T23:13:31.842+01:00

Years of nurturing.Molly-coddling, research, trial and error and heartache has finally left you with a prize winning effort. Something you’d be proud to have judged by a retired chap with a handlebar moustache at the local fete.Every day you go out to work and most of your colleagues are unaware of the dirty little secret you’ve got hidden away in your back garden. Maybe it’s an elephantine fruit

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-42642204866774964062007-04-29T00:07:00.000+01:002007-04-28T22:22:22.953+01:00

It’s always a good icebreaker.A list that is.I think I need one as it’s so long since we’ve chatted properly and some of you seem to have got here via a certain naughty book, without a clue about what to expect. All I can say is that you shouldn’t take anything here seriously. No one else takes me seriously so there shouldn’t be any reason for you to buck the trend.Despite the best efforts of the

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1167522923889379982006-12-31T00:07:00.000Z2006-12-31T00:09:43.196Z

I felt like a burglar.Sneaking through the door in the early hours of the morning, after another busy shift of relationship counselling and meeting future members of Alcoholics Anonymous. My bitch seemed strangely subdued, that might have something to do with the large box in the hall. The one that said “Chainsaw” on the side. Now, I like to think I’m a pretty observant kinda guy, I can spot a

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1156804763198248372006-08-28T00:07:00.000+01:002006-08-28T23:39:23.263+01:00

Pretty paint colours are all well and good.But is it enough for the twenty first century arrestee? I think not.Some may say that we already pander to their every whim with Ooman Rights, uppers, downers and nicotine gum being as freely dispensed as a clip round the ear was in days gone by. Yet, I can’t help feeling that we’re not doing all that we can for the little treasures. It’s not like they’

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1156111824809750232006-08-20T00:07:00.000+01:002006-08-20T23:15:11.453+01:00

It’s not big and it’s not clever.You know who you are.I cannot believe the waves of negativity I feel in the canteen every month when the new edition of the award winning magazine The Sharp End hits the specially constructed and taxpayer funded holders. There are more scoffs and howls of derision than you get at an average Prime Minister’s question time. One day I fear someone is going to choke

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1155425942025848692006-08-13T00:07:00.000+01:002006-08-16T03:17:45.186+01:00

Nodded off yet?No?I’ll continue then:After the initial excitement of using my investigative powers to add to the statistics had worn off, we settled down into an unfamiliar routine. In normal circumstances we’d be going from one call to the next making copious notes and avoiding contact with bodily fluids.Instead we got to trawl around looking for naughty people doing naughty things. Invariably

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1154295831866429632006-07-30T00:07:00.000+01:002006-07-30T22:43:51.910+01:00

I have been inundated.By an e-mail.It seems that the various satellite channels full of reality Police programmes aren’t enough for everyone. Well, at least not for an apparent insomniac from Tonbridge Wells anyway. He would like nothing better than to read about the thrills and spills of modern day policing to help him get off at night. Even in my pre-gardening days I tend not to write about

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1153099151333423512006-07-17T00:07:00.000+01:002006-07-17T02:19:11.366+01:00

At least they were very polite.Although it wasn’t mentioned; I’m pretty certain the admissions in my covering letter may have tipped the scales against me. Next time I’ll tell them I like my lager shaken, not stirred and I’ll take the chance that there won’t be a skiing test at the interview. So, the successful applicants may now be traveling the globe by submarine/private jet/hot air balloon

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1152632163236331232006-07-11T00:07:00.000+01:002006-07-11T16:36:03.273+01:00

Before I’d be let loose with my licence to kill.I suspect that they might do some basic checks on me. Like whether or not I have any form for leaving material marked ‘Top Secret’ in a pub, on a train, in a ditch or on the back seat of a taxi. I should be pretty safe with this one. The closest I’ve ever got to ‘Top Secret’ information was having a source on the canteen staff who always gave me the

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1152236995606310632006-07-07T00:07:00.000+01:002006-07-07T02:49:55.656+01:00

Yes, yes I know.It’s not strictly true anymore. Somewhere along the line we seem to have painted ourselves into a bit of a grey area; albeit a grey area that was slowly turning more black and white as the days passed. Now we’re back in the corner with a thick fog obscuring the route out. Just who are we supposed to be protecting and from who or what? Oh, that’s right, I remember now. We’re

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1148773242933592212006-05-26T00:06:00.000+01:002006-05-28T00:52:26.053+01:00

Yippee-ki-ay muthanature!Well, that's what would have happened had it not been for a small oversight on my part. As with a lot of people who find themselves in a desperate situation I too found myself increasingly drawn towards a chemical solution. Extensive internet research pointed me in the direction of a very potent cure-all for eliminating pesky critters. That’s right; Agent Orange.Those

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1142391938008405342006-03-09T00:07:00.000Z2006-03-15T03:11:03.160Z

Sometimes the obvious solution isn’t.Obvious, I mean.In times of crisis it’s nice to know that there is always someone there for you. Even though Mrs Brian with her disdainful looks and pithy comments weren’t readily available; there is always another option. In my case I turned to the internet and Yell.com. They may have been having an off day recently but, it’s hard to miss their advertisements

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1142215983589940702006-03-07T00:07:00.000Z2006-03-13T02:13:03.853Z

Much like one of those punchbags for kids.There was a slight sway and then my chosen target righted itself with one leaf looking a bit worse for wear. No problem; I have the genes for this and made some corrections to my backswing. A flex of the knees, hips pointing at the target, head down and fast acceleration through the turn. David Leadbetter might have had some disapproving words as I picked

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1141694882240000242006-03-02T00:07:00.000Z2006-03-07T12:40:57.203Z

Unfortunately the snow didn’t venture this far south.Which left me fresh out of site clearance excuses.As I have previously mentioned: I should be in possession of the DNA footprint required for gardening. If not the tools. I have no idea what happened to Granddad Brian’s (RIP) horticultural implements when he left us for the cabbage patch in the sky. He bequeathed me a fruit bowl. It’s a very

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1141517548700298462006-02-28T00:07:00.001Z2006-03-05T00:14:57.730Z

“Whaddya want?”“Oh, hello is that Customer Service?”“Last time I checked.”He sounded like he had been having a bad day. Best I keep it brief and to the point so he can get back to tossing fragile parcels around the office to keep his spirits up.“I wondered if you could explain Division 6.2 of the 2005-2006 Edition Technical Instructions for the Safe Transport of Dangerous Goods to me?”“What the *

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1141141339138098142006-02-23T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-28T15:42:19.200Z

Standby, I'm on the phone.....

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1140488307583924022006-02-21T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-21T02:18:27.643Z

“Hello, Leafy Suburb one two one two.”“C-c-can I speak to B-Brian please?”He sounds nervous, maybe some joker has placed my number in the ‘Adult’ section of the local paper. I put on my most manly voice.“This is Brian, what can I do for you?”“It’s m-m-more what I c-c-can d-do for you.”Uh-oh, there was me thinking all of the double glazing companies were boycotting me following the unfortunate

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1140107029462969272006-02-16T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-16T16:23:49.556Z

With shared access issues to consider.Not to mention the space problem; exacerbated by the recent neighbourly erections of barbed and electrified fences. Together with a recent, top-secret government decision; I have a fruitless morning of telephone conversations. The very nice people at 118 insisted on continually putting me straight through to either a locksmith or plumber for some reason. The

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1139853622770938742006-02-14T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-14T00:23:53.996Z

While Andy’s hero checked his Traser for the umpteenth time;I must have drifted off.Playtime over then is it? Oh well….Zzzz zzzz zzzz Zzzz zzzz zzzzWhat was that? OI! WAKE UP!!“Wh....what?”Oh, false alarm. It was just a bit of wind.“Was that you?”You’re a fine one to talk. Besides, it’s your fault for giving me that dodgy treat earlier. You know salt doesn’t agree with me.Zzzz zzzz zzzzZzzz zzzz

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1139584054359716012006-02-09T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-10T15:08:18.173Z

Nothing. Not a sausage.I scoured the rolling media channels, in vain, for news of a Super-tanker running aground in the Leafy Suburb lido to explain the delay. Leaving me with the conclusion that Kay wasn’t taking her job too seriously. Either that or she was chained to her desk compiling important government statistics. Time to take matters into my own hands. No more Mr Nice Guy.I hatch a plan

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1139287286664950032006-02-07T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-07T04:41:26.666Z

Granddad Brian (RIP) was keen gardener.He liked nothing better than to work up a sweat pottering in his vegetable patch.Sadly, the current weather isn’t set for mopping ones brow while leaning contently on a pitchfork. Not to be deterred, I wrap up well and venture outside with my bitch for a site survey. To be honest I did try this from inside first, but the American garden design software I

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1139099562855859832006-02-05T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-07T04:37:33.610Z

A reader of these pages has brought to my attention that an officer well known across the northern half of the metropolis has recently passed away after a long illness. P.C. Sharon Edwards will be fondly remembered and missed by many officers and staff alike.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1139011298657797752006-02-02T00:07:00.000Z2006-02-04T01:17:01.313Z

When I was younger; I can remember visiting the funfair.One of the attractions that kept me busy for at least five minutes was the “Hall of Mirrors”. Standing in front of a series of cleverly curved and shiny surfaces always produced some pointing and laughing. My youthful ignorance is the only reason I can explain why I laughed when I pointed at myself looking very fat, painfully thin, tiny then

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1138494348191646652006-01-29T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-29T00:25:48.680Z

I need to get this one right.No room for any errors; I’ll need to make sure I have all of the required permissions. We may have moved on from the permissive society but, I don’t think I should have too many problems. It can’t be that difficult; can it? What I need is an expert.“Hello, Leafy Suburb planning department. Zoe speaking; how can I help you?”Less than four rings to answer, they’ll be

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1138241416410383912006-01-26T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-26T02:11:39.073Z

It seems that not everyone is a fan.I’ve been rumbled and stand accused of a number of curious ‘offences’. You’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve gone ‘No Comment’. For the foreseeable future I’m on gardening leave.This is so that I can “seriously reflect on the impact and outcomes of some of my statements”.The first thing I need to do is to build a grassy knoll.Anyone know where I can get some

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com88tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1138020292181748632006-01-24T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-30T19:56:07.626Z

What you missed: Information about a very worthy competition to make our jobs easier, with a slightly disappointing prize. Unreserved apologies to: The creator of the competition, the chooser of the prize, Kwik-Save and anyone who took my 'entry' seriously.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1137894313837827782006-01-22T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-30T19:52:37.866Z

What you missed: A report about a politician making some very disparaging remarks about policing.Unreserved apologies to: Any member of the political party concerned.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1137776924451182152006-01-19T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T01:02:47.089Z

You’ve got to ask yourself one question:“Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya punk?You see, you really should know what you’re up against. It may not be quite as deadly as a .44 magnum but, it’s just as scary.There’s bound to be a ‘passing motorist’ who will glimpse part of your transgression and give us a ring to tell us all about it. No point in them hanging around to tell us more; not when there’s an

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1137599718189027402006-01-17T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-30T19:45:11.103Z

What you missed: A response to enquiries about my lack of posts during a hectic work period.Unreserved apologies to: Taxpayers.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1137462874892590452006-01-15T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T01:00:33.945Z

With the ‘quick-fixes’ doomed to under-perform.We need to think outside the box and tackle this problem at the root.Now that I have the attention of all the buzz-word junkies I’ll explain.Clearly the problem doesn’t lie in there being insufficient numbers of officers on the streets at the times the offences are being committed. It’s the other way around; the naughty little scallywags are

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1137076394628202422006-01-12T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:57:49.416Z

Ms Blears has had her abacus out.Using a series of complex calculations she has worked out that although there are record numbers of officers in the country we’re not all on the street during the busy periods. If only she’d asked me, I could have saved her the trouble. According to her, slightly less than ten percent of officers are on duty when the naughty people are at their worst. I can only

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1136851844330198012006-01-10T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:55:48.996Z

Now that we have moved into the New Year.I feel that it is my duty to bring to the attention of the world the unrecognised hard work of some talented but oft-maligned individuals. I did consider organising a pop concert on the Small Corner Lawn Bowls Association green, but on reflection this would only highlight their thankless toil for one brief day. There needs to be a concerted effort to keep

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1136773027214037182006-01-08T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:29:55.946+01:00

My night wasn’t too bad.It could have been better though.For starters, there were just too many of you revellers; which caused me a big problem. You see, a senior officer had to make a decision without the benefits of a month long consultation period and a focus group or two. This is never a good idea. So the next time you have to make a decision sir, please try and bear the following in mind:1.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1136418499494152602006-01-05T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:27:30.523+01:00

Now the hard part is over.All you have to concentrate on is enjoying yourself. It’s possible you may wish to partake in a drink or two to get into the party spirit. In fact you could be one of the many who want to drink to excess. Despite the warnings of medical professionals who tut and frown at more than a couple of units a day. Killjoys. Fortunately, Westminster Council has taken medical

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1136245380248533992006-01-03T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:26:06.793+01:00

Well done.For managing to dress yourself appropriately and for finding your way into the centre of the Throbbing Metropolis. Unfortunately your problems may have only just begun. Did you remember to bring a map? No, I thought not. Yes, an A3 size A to Z showing the whole city and a selection of surrounding counties probably isn’t practical. There was always the option of photocopying the relevant

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1136137938244154702006-01-01T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:23:50.010+01:00

I love a bit of public revelry. Mainly because I’m getting handsomely paid to join in the ‘fun’.Some of you may not have had as good a night as I had. To try and assist you in making a better fist of it for next year you may wish to heed the following advice:-Brian’s Handy Guide to Public Revelry©Pre-Planning is the key; please don’t think this is a normal night out at your local discotheque with

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1135984661802730992005-12-29T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:21:00.300+01:00

A recent announcement has added to my confusion.It seems the government have given up their ‘if in doubt, legalise it’ approach to policy making, at least for the moment anyway. It’s fitting that this change of heart was announced by an MP by the name of (Mac)Taggart. Ms Mactaggart let slip in several unguarded moments during an interview with a national newspaper that the government plans to

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1135896135080265642005-12-27T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:17:29.173+01:00

I’ve been getting confused lately.It’s not that I’m in the early stages of Alzheimer’s; at least I don’t think so. I’d probably be the last to know anyway. No, my confusion has been caused by a number of recent ‘new policies’. Which is odd as I’m normally such a big fan of pointless alterations to my working practices. They give me reason to feel alive.Mild confusion was caused by a secret that

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1135482084189298342005-12-25T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-30T19:23:28.580Z

What you missed: A Christmas message from one of many emergency workers not at home with their loved ones. Unreserved apologies to: The LFB and the LAS.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1135450950215015792005-12-22T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-30T19:20:30.963Z

What you missed: A brief synopsis of some Christmas messages laden with statistics.Unreserved apologies to: Anyone offended by my comments.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1135125548549671302005-12-20T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:12:03.766+01:00

“Policemen are getting younger every day”If it only it were true.There is a point, somewhere, when you realise that you are perhaps not the spring chicken you once were: a watershed moment if you like. There are lots of small hints along the way when you shake your head and have a little smile to yourself; or a grimace.Some of those clues may include:-Realising that no-one asks you to make the

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1134953689863126312005-12-18T00:07:00.000Z2006-01-30T19:16:43.236Z

What you missed: Some Christmas gift ideas.Unreserved apologies to: Anyone who couldn't get their hands on them.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1134608678137412802005-12-15T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:08:55.446+01:00

Granny Brian (RIP) was never a navvy.Consequently the conversations I had with her didn’t use the language found in most of today’s urban music. In fact we even had to stop discussing Cliff Richard after he sang about satisfying his Living Doll. Yet our weekly knit-a-thons were never conducted in silence. To the soothing muzak of clacking needles and The Archers we managed to talk about all

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1134434444708293022005-12-13T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:06:13.896+01:00

Following many years of investigation.The case is finally closed and I’m now ready to publish the definitive answers to those burning questions about policing. The ones that have kept many people awake at night, not least of all me. So if there has been something Police related you’ve always wondered about then read on, the answer is bound to be here.Why do Police officers eat doughnuts?In a

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1134349435193222672005-12-11T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:02:42.496+01:00

I’m sure the Hendon recruitment people do their best.To sort the wheat from the chaff of the many thousands who apply to join our merry band. Fortunately they get a mixture of personalities, you wouldn’t want thirty thousand robots would you? There’s obviously a mixture of abilities too, but we’re doing our best to make sure no-one has to think too much for themselves. So that isn’t much of an

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1134038612403187272005-12-08T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:01:26.543+01:00

As a Police Officer I have certain rights.Chief among these is the right to whinge. I feel a really good whinge coming on. So, if you’re of a nervous disposition please stop reading now. This is a standard disclaimer; if you choose to ignore it please don’t tell me. Tell someone who cares. Okay?There is a very short list of things that give me the hump. Jobsworths have to be in the number one

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1133842766607323722005-12-06T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T21:53:32.543+01:00

You really are an inquisitive lot.Questions, questions wherever I go. Normally I’m able to answer very succinctly and without much beating around the bush. Popular responses include:-“Five past three.”“Down the end of the road and turn left.”“Because I said so.”I think you’ll agree that these seem pretty straightforward. Occasionally, I have follow-up questions to field for the hard of hearing or

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1133739499498087572005-12-04T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T21:49:53.283+01:00

If you want to give the government something to count.Then a membership card to either of the last two groups of driver is a good way to go about it. Although I’m guessing that you probably wouldn’t set out to add to this particular list. Seeing as it involves a high degree of pain, or death. The Yoof- These can often be found wrapped around various pieces of immovable roadside furniture. After

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1133369019338765032005-12-01T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T21:47:24.476+01:00

Some time ago Carl Jung identified several categories of people.I’m sure he spent a lot of time researching and studying the human psyche to come up with his theory. It’s still a must read for the psychology under graduate today, although I haven’t bothered reading the whole tome as there are far too many big words for me. You’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve been doing a very similar study too.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1133215563970530982005-11-29T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T21:46:15.310+01:00

There are very few things that can’t be solved in the canteen.Straight after a 999 artery blocker is usually the best time to tackle the weighty issues of the day. Much less chance of being interrupted and everyone is too knackered and stuffed to get up. So, once the boys have “Cor-ed” over Page three and the girls have finished deciding which Z-list starlet needs a new dietician; the designated

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1133150451168182852005-11-27T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T21:44:27.033+01:00

I’m sure I remember something from the dim and distant past.Something about the Police being independent of the government. I can’t be certain though, it could have been ‘dependent on the government’. I’m pretty sure the oath I swore mentioned the occupant of Buckingham Palace and not the occupants of Westminster Palace. Things seem a bit hazy now, it could even have been Beckingham Palace.I was

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1132890273131051142005-11-24T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:40:08.626+01:00

It seems that more people want to see my friendly face.You’re fed up with me chugging past in my low powered diesel vehicle making lots of noise and often delaying your important car journey by ten seconds. That’s just not good enough for you anymore.No, you want to see more ‘bobbies on the beat’; especially now that the bus conductors definitely aren’t coming back. I’m sure that when you’re

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1132616718665868752005-11-22T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:41:22.436+01:00

Your country needs YOU!Don’t panic. I’m not about to ask you to don the blue serge and join me in a Safety Partnership van behind a camera viewfinder. There just isn’t enough room to fit you all in. Besides, I don’t have enough tea bags or doughnuts to go around.No, there’s a much more difficult job waiting for you if you want it. Sir Ian has spoken and the thrust of his speech was identifying

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1132505820913304862005-11-20T00:07:00.000Z2005-11-20T16:57:43.203Z

"Cowards die many times before their deaths, The valiant never taste of death but once." William Shakespeare

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1132177069843606892005-11-17T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:47:36.736+01:00

Right, now all the excitement is over.4. It’s time for a cigarette and the ‘How was that for you?’ discussion. Unless you’re in Wales, then you’ll have to make do with a nicotine patch. You may well be used to an in-depth analysis with all participants having their say in a classroom using the ubiquitous ‘What went well and why?’ format. Unfortunately, Hendon have snaffled every beanbag in the

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1132017021710413582005-11-15T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T22:51:04.130+01:00

Until the new recruitment process is in place.There’s a good chance that you may be leaving Hendon to spend some time on the leafy avenues of the Throbbing Metropolis. Try not to panic too much; I’m sure you’ll be able to find a nice cosy office soon. In the meantime you’ll have to engage with the public from time to time. Sorry.I know I’m not actually academically qualified (yet) to offer you

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1131940168920490452005-11-13T00:07:00.000Z2007-04-07T23:08:08.860+01:00

To:The PrincipalSmall Corner PolytechnicFrom:Thicko With Aspirations Small CornerThe Throbbing MetropolisDear Professor, I appreciate that we have never met. Although this isn’t through my lack of trying; as I have visited your campus on numerous occasions. I’m guessing that you are normally home in bed while I’m answering the many calls to burglaries at your sites. I know we haven’t yet

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1131599285824895552005-11-10T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:48:24.977Z

I realise that the Guild of Polymer Engineers may be disappointed.But, I’m afraid I won’t be joining them in the near future. I have no idea if the Spatial Arts graduates have a group; but I won’t be joining them either. Much as I’d love to. Unfortunately, as a taxpayer, I would have to pay lots of money to learn their crafts. Sorry guys.Of course there are alternatives to try and resolve the

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1131417952762652462005-11-08T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:46:28.119Z

The think-tanks have been hard at it again.You may have read a story or two about the report those very clever people at Politeia have just published. In case you missed them, let me enlighten you.It’s official; I’m stupid.Those of us who took a rather relaxed attitude to formal schooling were made to sit an entrance exam. Fortunately it wasn’t exactly ‘mind-stretching’, as I may not have scraped

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1131200683048161872005-11-06T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:44:46.361Z

In the past this would have been the end of the questioning.Now that my mates in the Risk Assessment Empire have had their tuppence worth of input, we need to ask you some more personal questions. We’ve tried to make them as simple as possible for obvious reasons.Can you read? A good proportion of you can’t. That’s okay, if we think you need it we’ll spend some more government money getting

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1130976866105441282005-11-03T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:42:03.027Z

Once we’ve established who you are.(Even if it is a 77 year old, colour blind cartoon character from La-La Land.)You’re now entitled to your rights. Please remember this isn’t America, nor is it a movie. You have three; we know what they are because we’ve done this before. If you believe you know better then please make sure you shout at the Custody Sergeant. They like that.Your first right is to

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1130811599328485332005-11-01T00:07:00.000Z2007-11-11T00:41:02.084Z

It is generally considered to be the worst office job going.So I’m told, I’ve never done it myself.Sat behind a computer in a windowless, smelly, noisy place somewhere in the bowels of most large Police stations there lurks a guardian of naughty peoples’ rights. If you ever get arrested then you’ll be meeting one very soon too. No, not a social worker or legal representative; they come along a

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1130636351714504032005-10-30T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:39:14.287Z

In this multi-billion pound industry we call policing.There are a multitude of rules we all have to follow.Without them there would be a lot of very important people without jobs. The complex issues behind the setting of these rules are obviously way beyond me. That’s why we have important people paid to take part in ‘blue sky thinking’ and ‘think-tanks’. Long gone are the days when all we did

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1130364941686981702005-10-27T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:34:13.092Z

Once in a blue moon the Government comes up with an idea.Well not the government exactly, they’re far too busy running the country for new ideas. Instead they have ‘think-tanks’ to do it for them. I’m sure this is so that no bias can be shown and has nothing at all to do with being able to later distance themselves from the slightly ‘off the wall’ suggestions that come up. We’ve had a couple of

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1130204463609173352005-10-25T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:30:33.279Z

The trick is not to look or sound too clever.If you appear like you know what you’re doing then this technique doesn’t work. You need your victim to be as relaxed as possible and thinking they’re dealing with a bumbling idiot. Which is something I don’t find very difficult for some reason. Then you have to cover the first question you’re going to get asked, before you’re asked it. In the unlikely

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1130025400395263672005-10-23T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:32:26.997Z

Believe it or not I’m a trained investigator.This doesn’t mean that I wear a deerstalker and carry a magnifying glass everywhere I go. In fact almost all of my investigations require no props at all. The simple question and answer system seems to work pretty well for me. Mixed with a healthy cynicism of peoples’ ability to tell the truth makes me nearly infallible. Any fresh out of the box

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1129757758439041832005-10-20T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:05:54.441Z

I’m sure you are normally a very pleasant person.I’m sure you don’t normally act in this manner.I know you’re past the stage of calling out to me to show you my truncheon. I can see you haven’t yet reached the collapsed in a dishevelled, vomit stained heap phase.No, you’re at that dangerous state of inebriation where all your listening and reasoning skills have been suitably dulled. I understand

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1129590812193305922005-10-18T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:02:58.944Z

On the list of stupid things you’ve done in your life. I’m guessing that that night would have to feature somewhere in the top ten.You looked like you’d been having a good time with your two friends. I wasn’t being a party pooper when I asked you to keep the noise down as we got out of our car to go and deal with a routine call. If you had a problem you should have mentioned it then.What you

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1129389166015733262005-10-16T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T00:00:30.788Z

It seems that just about everyone has had a go at trying to solve the problem.All the professionals have had their input and even with the best efforts of our Positive Arrest policy makers, a quarter of the violent crime in the Metropolis is domestic related. Maybe it’s time I had a go? I know I’m not the best qualified to do this. Without a degree in something very relevant and a large

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1129154441674367002005-10-13T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-10T23:59:16.959Z

Occasionally we find the odd person who actually wants our help.Then the creaking machine that is the Criminal Justice System groans into life. While it’s being carefully fettled by us filling it with enough paper to start a start a new rain forest, you may be slightly concerned that your soon to be ex is going to pay a visit. No problem, we have a wonderful bit of kit for this eventuality.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1128981992954361672005-10-11T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-10T23:57:38.421Z

Of course, men aren’t the only sex to have evolved.Long gone are the days where it was acceptable for a man to beat a desired mate over the head with a blunt instrument and drag her off by the hair. That just wouldn’t happen in the 21st Century. Not that I’ve tried it myself, but I think this sort of behaviour would be frowned upon in the modern day discotheque. There would be smouldering bras

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1128784794564730452005-10-09T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:31:12.506+01:00

If you are a subscriber to Darwin’s thoughts.You’ll know just how far we’ve progressed from a mere amoeba via various ape-like life forms into the 21st century beings we now are. Full of social airs and graces that put the rest of the mammal world to shame. Well, most of us seem to have got that far. For others, it’s still a journey they’re yet to discover. I meet many people stuck in limbo

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1128554099156460732005-10-06T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:30:15.845+01:00

It was a traditional scene.A bit of a nip in the air and a brightly decorated tree surrounded by a number of wrapped goodies is enough to get anyone excited. I’m sure that was how the Nicholas children had gone to bed a few hours earlier. I was also pretty sure that their tree and presents had been in their 8th floor living room then. Instead of all over the car park outside their tower block as

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1128359017028275542005-10-04T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:29:15.843+01:00

The screaming from within was somehow reassuring.Not a bloodcurdling ‘I might have to run in and save someone’ scream. That could mean that our presence was actually required in a Policey-type role. As it wasn’t the 29th of February with a full moon out, I wasn’t expecting to hear one of these. No, this was a ‘We can’t manage to sort out a minor dispute and are in need of someone sober with an IQ

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1128202943326835002005-10-02T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:27:43.967+01:00

“That address sounds familiar.”I did some checking and Skippy was right. This would be the fourth consecutive night this particular ‘private’ disturbance had occurred. With nothing better to do and the promise of a 3am cultured debate, we took the call. We couldn’t stop right outside the house. That space was taken by a middle aged man sitting in a family saloon with the engine running to keep

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1127942156274439842005-09-29T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:26:21.083+01:00

It was the kind of house you could smell before you saw it.Not that we had been there before.As a Sunday afternoon starter for ten, we had been given “male and female arguing” to rush round to. Being an unfamiliar address and even having to look up the road on a map made it intriguing. There is no such thing as a non-domestic related “male and female arguing” call on a Sunday afternoon. At least

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1127774175430769712005-09-27T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:24:49.161+01:00

With Mr Smith ‘working abroad’ for several years.Mr Jones often popped over to see Mrs Smith to provide company to her and her small children.Not that I knew this when I took the disturbance in private premises call to her fourteenth floor des res at just after midnight. Thankfully the intercom and the door lock were broken, so we didn’t have to wait ten minutes for the person who called us to

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1127577667454525102005-09-25T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:23:42.214+01:00

In days gone by other countries used to look to us for new ideas.In the 21st century it seems that every ‘new idea’ we have has been tried and tested in another country first. Usually America. An eagle-eyed senior officer then spots it and hey presto we get a new policy. They get a big tick in their promotion box too. But that’s not why they brought the policy in. No, not at all.Small Corner’s

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1127367143076572412005-09-22T00:07:00.000+01:002006-01-30T17:58:25.786Z

What you missed: An explanation of a lack of posts due to a holiday.Unreserved apologies to: Anyone who has never had a holiday.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1127140988251766432005-09-20T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:20:55.542+01:00

You know those cartoon fights?Where they don’t want to show any actual violence to the kiddies? Instead they have a big cloud of dust, lots of sound effects and the occasional arm and leg appearing? Well this was our Plan D. It was like 5 Tweety Pies trying to subdue Brutus. To a chorus of booing and hissing from the now very brave Hank fan club, we set about trying to restore our dignity. Our

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1126971199184456172005-09-18T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:19:31.387+01:00

After a quick team huddle a plan was hatched.It was a very familiar plan. In Small Corner we like to keep things simple.I was despatched to search the cars for a bazooka or a harpoon. After successfully resisting the temptation to drive off, I returned with the next best thing. Two small plastic shields. Or what Hank might call ‘dinner plates’.Realising that possession of a shield may entail

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1126708717397849462005-09-15T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:18:12.808+01:00

Hank wasn’t a real galactic traveller.He was only visiting from America.When we got the call to assist staff at our local crossed wires hospital with a violent patient we trundled along through sheer intrigue. It’s very rare for us to receive a call like this. Normally the staff manage to get some drugs into them quicker than you can “Just say No”. Either that or they direct them to the exit door

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1126543475457558982005-09-13T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:16:55.863+01:00

While I was watching TV one evening.So were Ralph’s neighbours.Ralph doesn’t like anything electrical, so he doesn’t have a TV in his council flat. Not that he needs one. He has a bigger cast of characters in his head than Weatherfield and Walford combined. Sometimes Ralph gets upset when others try to talk to him through his walls. Then he is more prone to listen to one of his more mischievous

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1126312762109824702005-09-11T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:15:44.167+01:00

Curly has issues.Not with me though. We’re good mates.Curly’s biggest issue is his failure to take his yellow pills and his white pills. This is why Curly and I are good mates. On the list of regular ‘disturbance in private premises’ addresses, Curly’s is close to the top. Still, at least I know that no-one is going to be screaming at me to ‘take him away’. Nor am I likely to get an expletive

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1126125281427972872005-09-08T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:14:43.990+01:00

“Brian receiving?”Excellent timing. Just as I was investigating the contents of a greasy bag.“Mmmm?”“Can you back up unit X?”“Whatheygot?”“Galactic traveller having a violent episode. He’s seven foot tall.”I guess that qualifies as ‘needing back up’ then. As we threaded our way through Lilliput towards Gulliver’s house I imparted some wisdom onto my able young assistant.“He’ll never be that big.

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1125960579122964712005-09-06T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:13:41.385+01:00

I have a special skill.Other than being a FIFA standard matrimonial referee that is. I am blessed with the ability to communicate in a number of different languages. Although these aren’t any tongues you’re likely to learn at school. As far as I know they’re not even on the syllabus at any of our more progressive Polytechnics. No, unless you have racked up enough space miles to buy a desert

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1125704586390160142005-09-04T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:12:12.753+01:00

Having used a yard or so of baling twine.I’ve made sure my buttons won’t be going anywhere for another couple of years.I’ve been pondering too. About packing my lunchbox. In theory this doesn’t appear to be too much of a problem. I mean if busy parents can do it for their children every day, it can’t be that tricky; can it? There are a few fellow Throbbers who manage it. Granted it’s normally in

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1125532736299280772005-09-01T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:11:26.782+01:00

Sentenced to two years.It’s almost laughable, yet it’s the widely held belief that this is normal. After many pay days of hard work, this is the result. All that blood, sweat and tears; not to mention the stress. I blame the government. They have their Dark Forces at work.Occasionally, I read about someone who got their just desserts. In the ever helpful Human Resources Notices under ‘Deaths of

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1125325795991723592005-08-30T00:07:00.000+01:002007-11-11T01:10:11.929Z

I love it when a plan comes together.It seems I have been forgiven.In turn I’ve now forgiven the Together Team for being underhand. I got back on to them to see if the captain’s spot was still available for the First XI. Sadly Sir Ian has this one sewn up and I didn’t even make it in as the twelfth person. They have offered me a position as the fixtures secretary though. With the ‘Understanding

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13246708.post-1125187201461166742005-08-28T00:07:00.000+01:002007-07-19T21:08:56.331+01:00

If you see white smoke over Small Corner HQ.It’ll mean I’m the chosen one and will soon be going to take up my new position. Just one last task to complete before I head off to organise Billy Graham’s Persian pilgrimage. The obligatory drink-up.There are a number of occasions when Police officers are allowed to indulge in a tipple or two. With 30,000 syndromites, someone is bound to be organising

Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05047542325787129563noreply@blogger.com1