Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Modern Men

If you are a subscriber to Darwin’s thoughts.

You’ll know just how far we’ve progressed from a mere amoeba via various ape-like life forms into the 21st century beings we now are. Full of social airs and graces that put the rest of the mammal world to shame. Well, most of us seem to have got that far. For others, it’s still a journey they’re yet to discover.

I meet many people stuck in limbo somewhere shy of full brain development. If I had gone to university and studied a social science of some description I’m sure I could correctly label many of those I have the pleasure to make the acquaintance of. Having spent many years at the Small Corner Polytechnic studying domesticology I’m afraid I’m not that bright and have to make up my own words. Like:-

A Notsinkinginoranus.

This is the male who is no longer with their mate as they were rejected for being unsuitable. They will often resort to mind befuddling liquids and convince themselves that their chosen one has made an error of judgement. By leaving their own cave in the early hours of the morning and trying to kick the door in of their ex, they believe this will show how serious they are about rekindling the flames of passion.

Police cells across the country are full of these on any given night. A hardened Notsinkinginoranus can get themselves arrested at least once a week, normally on a weekend. In fact, they’re so common I am considering submitting the term to the Oxford Dictionary editors.

A Onelastshagasauras.

Another common species. This is where there is an existing intimate relationship where everything has been sweetness and light. Unfortunately, there is a slight discrepancy in the terms of the trysting and things need to come to a conclusion. Only one party is aware that this is about to happen. The thing is, a phone call/letter/email/text message are all just too cold and impersonal. No, the unknowing partner needs to be told face to face. During the post-coital ‘You were wonderful’ conversation is just so much more civilised.

This tactic is fraught with danger, something the Onelastshagasauras rarely considers. They are often left in need of some potentially embarrassing medical attention, and are normally the ones who call us. In bygone days this would give us the opportunity to point out their faux-pas and leave them in the caring hands of the healthcare system. Unfortunately, the Positive Arrest team have a say now and the spurned, very recent ex gets to come with us. Still, at least we get to take photos of their injuries. For evidence purposes obviously.

A Mymatesnotgettinganyocos.

This is a rare breed. To my knowledge there have only been a few sightings of these in Small Corner. They are the ones in a loving relationship. So loving, she doesn’t mind you spending all night in the pub having deep and meaningful conversations with your friends. It’s during one of these tête-à-têtes that you discover your best friend has been unable to find a similar loved one for some time and is in desperate need to mate.

Being the kind and caring person that you are, you hatch a plan to end his plight. That’s what friends are for after all. So at some point after closing time you install your friend on your sofa with a can of refreshment and pop upstairs to wake your soul-mate and put your idea to her. It’s lucky your neighbours were in and able to call us, it looked very painful.

I’d take that as a “No, Thank-you” if I were you.


At 9/10/05 4:06 PM, Blogger frankp said...

Keep this level of satire up Brian and you'll find yourself on the pages of the Daily Telegraph one week and the Daily Mail the next, just like Dave Copperfield. Have you found an agent yet?


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