Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Modern Women

Of course, men aren’t the only sex to have evolved.

Long gone are the days where it was acceptable for a man to beat a desired mate over the head with a blunt instrument and drag her off by the hair. That just wouldn’t happen in the 21st Century.

Not that I’ve tried it myself, but I think this sort of behaviour would be frowned upon in the modern day discotheque. There would be smouldering bras all over Small Corner and I might wind up in a spot of bother. Now that women have rights and things.

Like any general rules, or laws as we like to refer to them these days, there are exceptions. One word, heard across the land by many a Police Officer, is all it takes to explain a woman’s willingness to be treated in a Neanderthal manner by their chosen companion.

We hear it when your neighbours have called us again and we find you a bloody mess and screaming at your drunken, aggressive bully of a partner.

We hear it when we try and drag him off to a much more suitable bed for the night. Somewhere where we think he might not be in a position to disturb your neighbours, nor to use you as a punchbag.

We hear it when we explain our Positive Arrest policy.

We hear it when the ambulance crew/hospital staff are doing their best to patch you up.

We hear it when we try to get the details of this latest episode in front of your small children who’ve just witnessed Mummy getting hit again.

We hear it when we attempt to take a fuller statement that we can use to finally put your companion in an all male holiday camp for a few months.

We hear it when you tell us that we ‘won’t do nuffink’ and how we’re wasting your valuable time.

We hear it when we offer to refer you to outside agencies and give you advice and support to get an injunction to stop him from coming near you again.

We hear it when we tell you about the court date and you let us know how nice he’s been and how you don’t think you’ll bother.

We hear it when the court has summonsed you to give evidence against the man who assaulted you and will be doing it again sometime soon.

We hear it after you’ve given evidence that bears no resemblance to any facts or statement you’ve given to us.

We hear it when you support his spurious complaint against us for being too rough when we dragged him off on that night when you had the ‘misunderstanding’.

We hear it all over again when your neighbours have called us after the honeymoon period has finished and he’s had a drink.


Well, that’s alright then.


At 11/10/05 12:19 AM, Blogger frankp said...

Theodore Dalrymple aka Anthony Daniels aka Brian of Brian's Brief encounters. Gotcha!

At 11/10/05 9:11 PM, Blogger potatolord said...

Funnily enough I've heard "burrIlovehim" in exactly the circumstances you describe. It seems some women mistake beatings with attention.

At 12/10/05 7:29 AM, Blogger Digitalkatie said...

Sorry for being a bit confused but what is the positive arrest policy? Are you supposed to make arrest seem like the best option? Do you need to arrest more people than you don't arrest so your tally is n't in negative figures? Or are you only able to arrest cheerful people?

At 12/10/05 4:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so true its painfull. See it nearly every working day.

At 12/10/05 11:04 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr P,

Not Guilty.

At 12/10/05 11:06 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Ms Katie,

We are to arrest whenever a crime has been committed, even if the victim doesn't want us to.

At 13/10/05 6:17 PM, Anonymous Tricia said...

There are no victims, there are only volunteers. Keep volunteering and you end up dead. I am a woman. I know these things first hand. Please do not jump on your feminist band wagon. Please do not tell me I do not know what I am talking about. I had a husband who was 'handy'. I left him and slept on someone's floor til I had the deposit on a slightly grotty rented Flat. It's worth saying again.... "There are no victims - only volunteers." Thank you for doing your very best to protect the volunteers.

At 15/10/05 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

after I was born my dad became an alcoholic and was a bit flakey when it came to his definition of love. mum tried to leave him. lots. it never worked. so my childhood was mainly about playing hide and seek, and clearing up the mess. about two years ago he lost his taste for the drink and hasn't had any since. he now has alzheimers and is relies on us more and more. even though he made our lives hell for years we are now looking after him. I'm glad about that, because whatever happened he's still my dad and I'd hate to think of him being on his own like this.

At 20/10/05 1:16 PM, Blogger TP said...

Some people do, and some people don't (anymore) and some people are far to scared to be on their own, or of him, so they stay because at least they know what to expect.

At 23/10/05 1:04 PM, Blogger Scully said...

OMG...if I was paid a penny for the amount of times that I've heard that I'd be rich. But to be fair, I've also heard 'butiluver' on many occasions too. I guess in my small corner, the gals can be as rough as the guys. Frustrated, we will be...


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