Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Sunday, April 29, 2007


It’s always a good icebreaker.

A list that is.

I think I need one as it’s so long since we’ve chatted properly and some of you seem to have got here via a certain naughty book, without a clue about what to expect. All I can say is that you shouldn’t take anything here seriously. No one else takes me seriously so there shouldn’t be any reason for you to buck the trend.

Despite the best efforts of the Pensions Department, I won’t be switching schemes to one that requires me to work longer for less benefits. So I only had to come up with thirty things to do before I retire. I can only apologise for not being totally inclusive, as some of you county mounties may discover:-

A Brian List Of Things To Do Before Hanging Up Your Truncheon

Drive a station van with egg on your tie/cravat.

Say something inappropriate to your Superintendent or their significant other at a social gathering.

Transfer out to a county then transfer back when you find out how hard real work is.

Sleep with a nurse/firefighter/both/both together.

Arrest someone famous.

Have your photo taken by Japanese tourists.

Arrest someone for murder.

Blag your way onto the helicopter.

Use the phrase “Get your trousers on, you’re nicked” for real.

Get bitten by a Mark I.

Win the song title game on early turn.

Kick a suspect package.

Put the wrong door in on a warrant.

Serve on a jury.

Seize a Super-car for no insurance (bonus point for driving it in yourself).

Get a suspect to stop running by shouting “Armed Police!!”

Get over 20 skills listed on CARMS.

CS spray your guvnor (by accident).

Have a spectacular Polacc.

Get interviewed at Tintagel House in your tunic.

Get bleeped out on a reality Police TV show.

Be one of eight officers who all get the word ‘splendiforous’ in while giving evidence at the Old Bailey.

Tazer someone.

Be the phantom farter at an NSY briefing (bonus point if the speaker is of ACPO rank).

Head the ball back into play at a televised football match, in full uniform.

Get in the national press dancing at the carnival.

Close a road or station that gets you on the Flying Eye.

Get the phrase “He’s all over the road MP” into a commentary.

Sell a colleagues big jugs/miniature cockerel in Pravda.

Stop a large pub fight by firing a gun into the ceiling.

How did you do? I’m well on my way and have found that pacing myself works. With it being appraisal time of year you can always ask for one of these to be set as your objective if you’re having inspirational problems.

Personally, I wanted a Tazer course this year. However, I’ve been told that my objective must be either Race and Diversity or Customer focussed. So, with all the arresting ones out of the frame again, I’ve plumped for number 6.

Everyone up to the HR Manager has signed off on it.

Of course they read it. Right?


At 30/4/07 3:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's good to see you back posting.

I think you should also see if you can get atleast one Gene Hunt quote onto each shift.

How hard can it be???

At 2/5/07 7:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure this should be a fnar fnar comment re truncheons following from the previous one


hurray hurray hurray - yer back.

xxx the daughter of the county copper who caught the Burradon Leek Snatcher

At 7/5/07 1:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been away on Holiday, but unfortunately not as long as you appear to have been. Great to see you back, and with the long missed great sense of humour. Good work fella.

At 8/5/07 11:00 PM, Anonymous on the buses said...

Good to see your back, laughed out load at them, though the favourite being:
Get the phrase “He’s all over the road MP” into a commentary.

Then count the seconds before MP terminate the pursuit.

At 9/5/07 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

G'Day Bloke and welcome back

It's great to read your posts again
Looking forward to many more.

And with so many of your countrymen now enjoying the sunshine here, I am sure we will see some of those listed items appearing...

"Splendiforous" - oh yesssss... I Would VERY much like to see THAT at the District Criminal Court

At 14/5/07 9:45 PM, Anonymous MiffedPlod said...

You're back! Grrrrrrahhh!! (with my hand in a gun shape pointing in the air).

"Be the phantom farter at an NSY briefing (bonus point if the speaker is of ACPO rank)."

Always. I also claim the bonus point.

"Arrest someone famous."

(High pitched, ragga accent) Ooh-ooh! ooh-ooh! it's glamma Shola Ama! (Sec 5 RTA). Ok, semi-famous. Half a point?

"Have your photo taken by Japanese tourists."

Oh, come now, hardly a challenge, is it?

At 5/7/07 3:14 PM, Anonymous Another Constable said...

A hilarious list... and I'm pleased to say I can already cross a few off my list :-)

Welcome back to police blogging!

At 29/3/08 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So whats the Song Game all about then mate?


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