Data Con

With true British reserve.

We’re trying to make sure our prisoners keep up with the 21st Century.

The Home Office has been planning, for some time now, to let some of our incarcerated lads and lasses have limited access to the internet, for education purposes only of course. Obviously, this will only be used when there isn’t anything on their Plasma TVs, they’re suffering from Playstation thumb and their mobiles are charging.

Across the Atlantic, our special friends don’t let their inmates anywhere near the worldwide web. They recognise that it might be a bit of a security concern. I mean, you wouldn’t want the residents of Guantanamo Bay being allowed to discuss the pros and cons of US foreign policy on MSN with Osama would you?

Although unable to access the net directly, inmates in US prisons are allowed to put profiles onto a website to entice well-wishers to write to them, with the hope of leading to more. It’s a thriving community with two hundred people regularly online viewing the forum that accompanies the site. Now, maybe writing to a convict wasn’t top of your list of things to do today, but let me see if I can tempt you with some of those available:

How about Ralph? He’s a committed Christian who’s just killing time until his rape sentence finishes.

Or, there’s Kaniah who has a little bit of a drink problem. Best you drive on any date as she isn’t the luckiest behind the wheel after a few bevies.

Then we have Bryan, he’s particularly ambitious and lists his interests as ‘Property’, I’m sure he’ll be quite the entrepreneur as soon as he walks free from his embezzlement sentence.

Deborah caught my eye I have to confess, the unlucky lady has been recently widowed. I’m not sure if this was what resulted in her manslaughter conviction, but nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

Reuben says he’s caring and loveable; something the judge who sentenced him for aggravated battery clearly didn’t spot.

Darlene the child abuser helpfully confides that she’s disease-free. That’s a relief.

Eric the persistent burglar is happy to travel anywhere.

Brandi lists herself as a lonely thug. I don’t know why, she should be able to find someone of similar tastes not too far away.

Jimmie gets the award for optimism. He’s a budding globetrotter you see. Unfortunately, his next opportunity of travel, outside the prison system, will come sometime in 2029, parole board willing. His sentence wasn’t for jaywalking by the way, just in case you were wondering.

Lastly, there is potential sweetheart Sherrie, I’m not ashamed to say I’m smitten. It’s her adventurous spirit that I noticed. She may have just finished some federal time for importing drugs, but her determination to get her pilot’s licence as soon as she gets released has to be admired. You go girl!!

Not for the first time recently, I’ve thought:

You couldn’t make it up.