Mind That Child

We respond to a complaint.

Well actually, we got there a bit late having been unavoidably detained on the way.

‘School-run mum’ had finished her job. The road was deserted and it looked like the ‘No Entry’ sign was going to give us slim pickings.

A local resident’s association had complained. Regardless of our tardiness we were going to perform our task diligently. They were up in arms.

Half an hour later we had made 3 local residents 60 pounds lighter and 3 points richer.

(Reader Tip:- Make sure you’re up to date on what you’re local resident/Neighbourhood Watch group are complaining to us about. Knowledge is power. It prevents friction at any future street festivals too.)

Word had spread. We were bored. I-Spy had ended in a draw and we had moved on to a lacklustre game of Who Am I?

I think I was slightly ahead when it happened.

We could hear them first. It was steadily getting louder.

Every veteran says it’s memories of the noise that wakes them, screaming, in the middle of the night.

Running away was not an option. We had an important job to do. We had both noticed the twitching curtain across the road. It was obvious there was a stopwatch on us with a log was being carefully filled in. Any tactical withdrawal would have been duly noted and timed. There would have been howls of complaint at the next resident’s meeting.

Then they appeared. Three normal sized people, shepherding a crocodile.

The ‘crocodile’ was about 3 foot high and 20+ strong. They were headed straight for us. We were the prey.

There was nothing for it. We had to make the best of a bad situation. Fixing the least evil of my grin collection into place. I bravely stepped into the deserted road and made a point of stopping the imaginary traffic. They were model pedestrians. All holding hands, waiting for me to signal that it was safe to cross. At their age, they had no issues with the obvious gender imbalance and were happily clinging on to their partner.

What happened next still gives me shivers. For we were subjected to 20+ knee-high shouts of ‘Hello Police’ complete with waves (of their free-hands obviously). All of which we responded to in kind. Judging from their smiles, they were very pleased to see us and that the Small Corner tooth-fairy was probably on the phone to Loans-4-U.

Between responding, waving and grinning I managed to grill one of the tall people. Apparently, the WHOLE SCHOOL were on their way to the church, which we were standing outside, for their weekly input from Father Ted.

I’ve seen the league tables. I’ve reported the burglaries. I know it’s an extremely popular and very large school.

Rommel would have been proud of the tactics. We had been trapped in a classic pincer movement.

We had just dealt with the first wave. The recon unit

It was time to pray.

(to be continued…)