Modern Toys

Occasionally we find the odd person who actually wants our help.

Then the creaking machine that is the Criminal Justice System groans into life. While it’s being carefully fettled by us filling it with enough paper to start a start a new rain forest, you may be slightly concerned that your soon to be ex is going to pay a visit. No problem, we have a wonderful bit of kit for this eventuality. Subject to a risk assessment of course.

A very nice engineer will visit your house and install a panic alarm. After they record a message and test it they will instruct you on how to use it. Please listen to this bit. There are two simple rules to follow:-

Rule Number One. Never turn the power to it off, as this automatically sets it off. The very nice engineer’s voice cuts across all of our radio traffic and we rush round to your house to save you.

So when you go away on holiday for two weeks and turn your electricity off we get to hear it every day until we break in and dismantle it. You get to pay for a new door.

Or, if your new beau pops round for a bit of romancing and he unplugs it so he can turn the stereo on to help set the mood, please keep one ear open for us pounding on your door. Otherwise we’ll kick it in and have your suitor in handcuffs long before the end of the bonus tracks. Not the happiest start to a new relationship. You get to pay for a new door too.

Rule Number Two. It’s called a ‘panic’ alarm. This means you use it in an emergency. I’m well aware that this is a difficult concept for some people. Let me try and help:-

Saying “I was just checking it worked” is not an emergency. Yes, we did swear at you when we left.

Nor is pressing it because your dysfunctional child, who has more behavioural problems than Ritalin can handle, has been expelled from yet another school. I don’t know any of the school governors and it’s not him I’ll be ‘having a word with’.

Nor is it an emergency when the Environmental Health Officer won’t come out at 2am to solve your bedbug problem. Exactly what did you think we were going to do?

Having an argument with your son over which TV programme to watch doesn’t qualify either. I appreciate that the last episode was a cliff-hanger, but maybe you could have watched it on one of the other three televisions? Failing that, there’s always the weekend omnibus.

However, needing help with the poltergeist in your house is a borderline case. I’ll confess now that it was me who stacked all your shoes up on the coffee table while my partner kept you busy. I hope the exorcist we summoned solved the problem for you?

It’s amazing what they teach in Sergeant School.