Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Dog Wish 2

While Andy’s hero checked his Traser for the umpteenth time;

I must have drifted off.

Playtime over then is it? Oh well….

Zzzz zzzz zzzz

Zzzz zzzz zzzz

What was that? OI! WAKE UP!!


“Wh....what?”

Oh, false alarm. It was just a bit of wind.

“Was that you?”

You’re a fine one to talk. Besides, it’s your fault for giving me that dodgy treat earlier. You know salt doesn’t agree with me.

Zzzz zzzz zzzz

Zzzz zzzz zzzz

What was that? Something moved. There’s something out there near the bins. It’s gotta be that stupid cat from next door. OI!! OI!!

“What now? You spotted them?”

Come on, get the door open. I need to teach a cat some manners. This is my manor. COME ON!!

“I can’t see anything. Are you sure?”

Get a move on…..Oh, hang on a sec…. That aint no cat….. In fact, just forget I said anything.

“What’s that by the bins?”

It’s nothing. Like I said: Sorry for waking you up and all that. If you could just go back to sleep I’ll get on with licking my bits and we can forget this ever happened.

“That looks like a fox.”

Fox? Did someone say fox? If I wasn’t so busy bits licking I might have been able to do something about it for you. As it is, I think we should ignore him.

“Where did I put the key?”

Whoa, easy tiger. Haven’t you forgotten something? I’ve carried out a dynamic risk assessment and I know I’m twice his size. He won’t be alone though, and that they all have really sharp teeth. Have you seen what they can do to a sheep? I think we should withdraw to the RVP, somewhere upstairs under your bed works for me; while we wait for the local wildlife officer, a hostage negotiator and Teapot One.

“Go get him!”

Hey, HEY!! Enough of the pushing already! Do I look like a foxhound?

“Where’d he go?”

Eh? He’s done a bunk, yeehaw! WHO’S YOUR DADDY? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

“Shush, you’ll wake the neighbours.”

I’M THE DADDY!

This gardening is truly a complicated business. I can see why Andy’s hero never tackles so much as a geranium without an Eastern European gun and a cheap leather jacket to hand.

This has got to be worth something.

What I need is an expert.

How about a bit of rubber lovin’ for the heroine then boss?

And a new dog.

Bastard.

5 Comments:

At 14/2/06 2:23 AM, Blogger Towertown Trash said...

It's such a shame and so damned annoying that your 'powers that be' have reduced you to writing kiddy stories. Bring back that keen observation and acerbic wit of the Old Brian and write about what you know best. Good luck buddy.

 
At 15/2/06 2:05 AM, Blogger The Oopsy Daisy said...

Towertown trash, I agree with you re: the 'powers that be' being annoying, but kiddy stories? In the vein of 'Animal Farm', perhaps? At least that's how I'm interpreting it.

 
At 15/2/06 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops, sorry - you're quite right of course, I was just trying to emphasise my disappointment in Brian's situation and how one of the best blogs going has been 'gagged' for no viable reason. It was, in no way, a dig at Brian. Just exasperation. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

 
At 15/2/06 10:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm...

I think you have too much time on your hands now. Either that or you'vr been reading too many Terry Pratchett books.

Anyway give the dog a break. At least he's not one of those "hog the fireplace" dogs, only there for the scratches behind the ears and the big food bowl.

 
At 15/2/06 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very much "Animal Farm" from where I'm reading. But teapot one never shows up at our major incidents. Unless the water faries are involved, in which case a full catering service, with michelin starred short order chefs and probably a tour coach for ensuring they keep up with their allotted 15 hours sleep in any 24 will be on scene in minutes. And then they take pity on us and let us beg for the scraps. Yes, I'm jealous as hell, any questions?

 

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