Home Sweet Home

I’m no Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

But no-one would accuse me of not knowing one end of a stipple brush from the other.

Sadly the same can’t be said for much of my customer base.

It can also be said, quite safely, that I’ve never been to a house pictured in a Homes & Gardens centrefold. Though this doesn’t mean that I haven’t seen some jaw dropping ‘design features’ that should have been in a magazine or two. If there is a publisher out there contemplating a new idea, I think ‘Squats and Sheds’ would fill a huge gap in the market.

As the saying goes:

‘A multicultural society’s non gender specific person’s home is their castle’

So I don’t wish to be rude, but can anyone tell me what place plaster gargoyles have in a local authority maisonette? The stone lions at the gate and the multi-coloured stone cladding are probably a bit much too. How many modern day crackhouse wannabes look right with a fake bearskin rug on the dirty linoleum in front of a radiator?

It’s not that I’m an Ikea (pronounced Ick-aya) snob you understand, but I think I can spot a design faux-pas when it rears it’s shagpile head. I’m sure some will recall the ostentatious furniture of the decadence decade that was the eighties. All long since cast into a landfill in the Home Counties right? Wrong. I’ve seen enough leather, glass, highly lacquered and fake gold leaf embossed fixtures and fittings still in circulation to prove ebay and car boot sales have a lot to answer for.

At least the savings made through this thrift haven’t been wasted. Facing the grease-stained and fag-burned armchair can be found the focal point of the house. The home entertainment system. If you can get the rest of the home furnishings for £3.50, it’s worth splashing out the remainder of your social money on the weekly payments for the biggest flat screen goggle box your house foundations can cope with.

In the small hours of the morning recently, I stood open-mouthed as I gazed at the daddy of all TV’s. The cartoon characters that the two year old was staring at were bigger than he was. His mother subsequently confirmed that Jeremy Kyle was almost life-size. She also promised me that she would check with the council that she didn’t need planning permission.

If a publisher does go with my idea, I think the first edition should be scratch’n’sniff, as well as having a free snide DVD included of course. Property shows may promote the merits of the fragrances of freshly baked bread or brewed coffee, but that hasn’t reached everyone yet. I find that the overpowering odour these days is eau de Staff, as there is always one frolicking with the toddlers. Cigarette smoke is the next discernible smell, closely followed by damp, body odour, used nappies and takeaway food. A veritable cornucopia of nasal assailants.

While I stand taking the report in the one room with a working light bulb I like to let my appreciation of their efforts known.

“I love how you’ve decorated” usually works.