Public Information Broadcast

Are you sitting comfortably?

Mobile phone switched off?

Have you brought your note taking equipment?

Good, then we’ll begin.

Today’s lesson is brought to you courtesy of HM Government. More specifically, the Highway Code. Remember it? I guessed not. A little refresher for you then.

194: Emergency vehicles.- This is the paragraph I’ve chosen, at random, from this most useful of documents. It’s quite a tricky one to explain. Bear with me; I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.

You- Yes, this applies to everyone, even if you are a bus driver.

should look- Okay, I know it’s a struggle to occasionally glance around you when driving. Manufacturers have tried to make it as easy as they can with mirrors. Once you’ve finished applying make-up, examining the length of your nasal hair and/or checking your incisors for remnants of last night’s spinach quiche; please use them to check out the state of play behind you. Every six seconds is the optimum timing. Once in a while will do for a start.

and listen- If your bass-box, sub-woofer, rap CD combo is setting off car alarms and seismic sensors; it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to hear very much over the Byronesque lyrics and thumping bass line. Could I suggest turning it down to below tsunami inducing levels? How else will you hear the conversation on the mobile phone pressed to your ear?

for ambulances, fire engines, police or other emergency vehicles- I could understand if you failed to notice a stealth bomber. They’re quite difficult to spot, especially in poor visibility, even with the aid of your radar detector. We try to make it as easy as possible with bright stripes and catchy words like ‘ECILOP’ and ‘ERIF’. If I had my way I’d add ‘ELICEBMIOUYYAWGNIKCUFEHTFOTUOTEG’. Unfortunately, the Diversity Directorate have told me I’d need to put it on in at least 47 languages and we haven’t got enough sticky letters for that.

using flashing blue, red or green lights, headlights- Please don’t confuse us with the chav-mobile sporting tasteful blue neon lights on the bonnet. They won’t let us have those.

or sirens.- Three of the most irritating noises known to mankind have been designed specially for us. ‘Hi-Lo’ is my number one choice, for it‘s particularly grating melody. By changing quickly between them we can be even more irritating. And no, I’m not running late for my tea break.

When one approaches do not panic.- Unless you’re a learner driver, then we fully expect you to stall in an impassable position. The rest of you should know better. Don’t leave it until the last second either, you just slow us down. Your chances of driving into a parked car are greatly increased too.

Consider the route of the emergency vehicle and take appropriate action to let it pass.- This is the tough bit. HM Government are far too polite to say what they really mean. ‘Get out of the way’ just about sums it up. I apologise if it adds 5 seconds to your school run.

If necessary, pull to the side of the road and stop,- Adjacent to traffic islands isn’t the best place. I challenge you to find a Throbbing van without damaged side panels. Guess how they got damaged? Not on the traffic island, that’s for sure. The brow of a hill is another not very clever spot. Until they fit our vehicles with periscopes please avoid these too.

but do not endanger other road users.- This includes us. Turning out of a side junction, in front of an emergency vehicle, then immediately pulling in and stopping is your favourite. If this Blue Light Roulette were an international sport we wouldn’t need Kelly or the four men in a boat.

Thank-you for listening.

You can put your pens down now.