Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Vocation Or Vacation?

It was the second or third sentence I think.

Somewhere after “Welcome to Hendon”.

And before the directions to the fire exits and toilets.

It wasn’t unexpected. We were there because we wanted to be Police officers. We understood what this entailed. We weren’t there for the cuisine or the nightlife.

We knew we had joined a disciplined service.

Over the years things seemed to have got a bit blurred. A tad diverse.

Every ‘old sweat’ has their own opinion of the current regime at training school. None of them are favourable. It’s the most popular gripe. We love a good gripe.

I am often asked questions by eager beavers who want to follow in my footsteps or are just about to. Most of them involve our current rules. To avoid constant repetition, I thought I’d answer a few of the most popular.

Yes. You will have to wear the uniform you’re given. I know it makes your bum look big. Look on the bright side; you wouldn’t want vomit on your favourite designer jeans, would you?

No. You don’t have to be super fit. Can you break into a slow jog? You’ll do.

Yes. There are rules about hairstyles, facial hair and piercings. I know it’s archaic. Having your eyebrow ring ripped out in a fight might sting a bit though. Rest assured, we have moved with the times. Hair gel is positively encouraged.

No. The food at Hendon is not cordon bleu. Jamie Oliver is yet to work his magic. He’s a bit busy right now.

Yes. Working nights is kind of compulsory. Criminals tend to have erratic schedules. If your mum wants you home by midnight, I’d reconsider my options if I were you.

No. A criminal record isn’t always a bad thing when applying to join. We would ask that you check that you’re not wanted on an arrest warrant before you turn up at Hendon though.

Yes. Some people will shout and swear at you. If this upsets you then I’d suggest you look at alternative careers. Crying or running away makes us all look bad.

No. It’s unlikely that you’ll be allowed behind the wheel of a pursuit car in your first week out of training school. That’s why you were told to buy comfortable shoes.

Yes. The same goes for murder investigations. We have a kind of tradition where we let people who know what they’re doing carry these out. Sorry.

No. Being dyslexic won’t prevent you from joining. Make sure you let your new colleagues know. That way we can all sneak a peek at your arrest notes. We like a good laugh.

Yes. Sometimes we have to start at 6 or 7am. Buy an alarm clock. A loud one.

No. Being a few minutes late every day isn’t okay. Unless you have a discount agreement with the local bakers and like doing really boring jobs.

Yes. From time to time you will have to deal with a very smelly person. Try not to vomit. Even if you do have your uniform on. Otherwise you may find you get to deal with a lot of smelly people. To help you overcome your nausea of course. Not for our entertainment. That would be cruel.

No. You can’t just work in the ‘nice’ areas. It’s a strange phenomenon that most of our time seems to be spent in the ‘not so nice’ areas. Still, at least you’ll get to meet lots of smelly people.

Yes. You will be expected to actually produce some written work from time to time. Your supervisors will get funny about these little things. A bit harsh I know.

On the up side you only have two years of this.

Then you can spend the next 28 being a ‘uniform carrier’.

You won’t be alone.


At 19/7/05 8:23 AM, Anonymous Silverback said...

>>To help you overcome your nausea of course. Not for our entertainment. That would be cruel.

Now that is comedy unobtainium!


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