Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Thursday, July 28, 2005


Now, I may be on message.

That doesn’t mean the policy makers are.

Who checks them?

Who makes sure they aren’t leading us all down a road that doesn’t fit with 21st Century policing? How do we know they aren’t steering us back to the days of discretion and ear-clipping? Who makes sure Mr and Mrs Risk-Management will still have a job with us when they’ve worn the honeymoon four-poster out?

After such a generous free bar, I feel I should do my bit.

So, I carried out a survey for them. Don’t worry; I didn’t hang around in a shopping centre trying to catch the gazes of the unwary. That’s so last century.

No, I spent a few minutes at a computer terminal. Searching Notices.

Now, these days all major corporations have policies and procedures. These are there so that everyone is playing the same game. The Met is no different. In fact policies and procedures are something we excel at. Never a week goes by without at least one new update. Usually it’s at least 5 or 6. I told you we were good.

To ensure that no-one feels left out. These updates are collated and sent out weekly, in 3 different publications. They’re called Notices. If we need to know the approved settings for the air conditioning in our plush offices, these would be our first port of call. There is a flood of climate control information available.

The inaugural Brian-Poll© results are now in:-

As a base with which to measure our commitment to modern policing, I thought I’d use a reasonably popular word. “Police” managed 21.3% of the vote.

“Human Resources” got 18.1%.

“Risk Assessment” got 20.0%.

That’s a relief. I’d hate for the newlyweds to have returned to an uncertain future. Looks like they won’t be going the way of the nice ladies just yet.

In a nod to some of the more mature readers, I included a couple of quaint, last millennium words. If you used Brylcreem before it was endorsed by a footballer you might recognise these. I’m nothing if not inclusive.

“Burglary” got 4.2%.

“Robbery” got 3.3%.

I’m as surprised as you. What on earth are those sorts of words still doing in Police documents? Somebody is definitely off message. I’m considering writing a stern letter to the editor.

Some of the accountants among you may have noticed that my figures don’t quite add up. Of course there’s something obvious missing. Brian’s top answer. I’d give a prize to all those who can guess the car winner. If it weren’t so blatant.

33.1% of the vote went to the word that’s on the tip of every modern crime fighter’s tongue. A word that defines our existence. A word that focuses us on our number one priority.


That’s right.



At 27/7/05 11:57 PM, Blogger FunkyGibbon said...

Brian, you should understand what I did wrong then in this situation then. Interviewing post sentence a foriegn national with leave to stay for eighteen months. I asked "so, what level of schooling or qualifications did you attain in your home country?" Before driving your uninsured car into that little old ladies garden whilst drunk you fuckwit.

That one question got me two days of diversity training, courtesy of my line manager. Herself a bigot of some repute. Apparently I was wrong to believe or state that his home country was anything else than the uk because then he would not feel included in our society. Diversity my arse. She had already interupted before I could say the last bit by the way.

At 29/7/05 9:11 AM, Anonymous Silverback said...

And therein lies the rub, as they say. Doomed, I tell you... doomed.

Perhaps we can declare our own holy war on political correctness?

Another example of the infrastructure for a task becoming more important than the task itself.

At 29/7/05 9:28 AM, Blogger FunkyGibbon said...

Holy war? Hmmm *thoughts of developing Sid James Cluster bomb*.

The PC craze seems to be driven by bigots and racists who do not wish to appear as bigots and racists. In much the same way as Homophobes beat up homosexuals to reinforce their own public image of heterosexuality.

At 29/7/05 10:25 AM, Anonymous Brian said...


I'm not sure it's possible to have a politically correct jihad.

You may upset someone.


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