A Penny For Them

If you were having a vasectomy.

I’m guessing you wouldn’t be directing the surgeon’s scalpel.

If your house was on fire.

I’m guessing you wouldn’t be directing the firemen’s hoses.

Why not?

They take their cut of your hard earned wedge. Surely it’s your right to be able to tell them what to do? You probably had the odd game of doctors and nurses when you were younger. You may even have put a Scout camp fire out. Doesn’t this make you more than qualified to offer your opinion?

No? That’s strange.

I’m sure the Fire Service employees and surgeons would welcome your input. You could dazzle them with all of the knowledge you’ve gleaned from London’s Burning and Extreme Makeovers. I’m sure most of them would be more than happy to listen to your views.

You may find the odd one or two who think they know best. Fools. Who do they think they are?

If this happens, what you need to do is to announce loudly to all who are present that you have experience in something irrelevant. Get your camera phone out and stick it in the faces of everyone who has chosen not to listen to you. Then find a piece of paper and write down every number and name you are given. Threaten to complain/sue/write to your MP/stamp your feet and sulk.

That’ll show them.

It’s such a relief that this rarely happens to me when I’m at work. You seem to realise that I’m a professional and I know what I’m doing. Phew.

There are times that you could offer your much valued thoughts. My colleagues and I are always willing to listen. Your opinion will be taken on board and your pearls of wisdom will be shared amongst us. Probably during our sombre debates in the canteen.

How about instructing us to arrest someone who hasn’t committed an offence?

Or not to arrest someone who has?

Or to arrest everyone except you?

Or to arrest someone for an offence you’ve just invented?

Or how we should be out catching ‘real’ criminals?

Or how certain sections of the Highway Code don’t apply in your case?

Or how to direct traffic so that you don’t get held up?

Or how we played too rough with the man with the knife?

Or how we should have waited to be stabbed first?

Or how we only picked on him because of his ethnic origin?

You see? You can help us out with your balanced judgement. Don’t be shy, we’d greatly appreciate it. Although, to make sure you get our attention, precede any comment with “I have a law degree”.

Just so we take you seriously.