Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

A Penny For Them

If you were having a vasectomy.

I’m guessing you wouldn’t be directing the surgeon’s scalpel.

If your house was on fire.

I’m guessing you wouldn’t be directing the firemen’s hoses.

Why not?

They take their cut of your hard earned wedge. Surely it’s your right to be able to tell them what to do? You probably had the odd game of doctors and nurses when you were younger. You may even have put a Scout camp fire out. Doesn’t this make you more than qualified to offer your opinion?

No? That’s strange.

I’m sure the Fire Service employees and surgeons would welcome your input. You could dazzle them with all of the knowledge you’ve gleaned from London’s Burning and Extreme Makeovers. I’m sure most of them would be more than happy to listen to your views.

You may find the odd one or two who think they know best. Fools. Who do they think they are?

If this happens, what you need to do is to announce loudly to all who are present that you have experience in something irrelevant. Get your camera phone out and stick it in the faces of everyone who has chosen not to listen to you. Then find a piece of paper and write down every number and name you are given. Threaten to complain/sue/write to your MP/stamp your feet and sulk.

That’ll show them.

It’s such a relief that this rarely happens to me when I’m at work. You seem to realise that I’m a professional and I know what I’m doing. Phew.

There are times that you could offer your much valued thoughts. My colleagues and I are always willing to listen. Your opinion will be taken on board and your pearls of wisdom will be shared amongst us. Probably during our sombre debates in the canteen.

How about instructing us to arrest someone who hasn’t committed an offence?

Or not to arrest someone who has?

Or to arrest everyone except you?

Or to arrest someone for an offence you’ve just invented?

Or how we should be out catching ‘real’ criminals?

Or how certain sections of the Highway Code don’t apply in your case?

Or how to direct traffic so that you don’t get held up?

Or how we played too rough with the man with the knife?

Or how we should have waited to be stabbed first?

Or how we only picked on him because of his ethnic origin?

You see? You can help us out with your balanced judgement. Don’t be shy, we’d greatly appreciate it. Although, to make sure you get our attention, precede any comment with “I have a law degree”.

Just so we take you seriously.


At 21/7/05 9:40 AM, Blogger FunkyGibbon said...

Genius. I have briefly flirted with this blogger thing and it's original, witty and slightly twisted writing like this that makes me realise that I shouldn't bother wasting my time. Can't understand how you put up with all the crap that goes with the job though. A year with the probation service was enough for me to realise that if you prefer the company of the offenders on your caseload to your politically correct, mad old bag, colleauges then a change of career is needed. I think the final straw may have been when my manager discovered I was on speaking terms with most of the county's traffic officers because of the way I rode my GSXR750 to work on quiet sunday mornings. Though, perhaps telling an offender the only reason I had a clean licence was because I was polite at the side of the road and that if the stupid little scrote kept his mouth shut and learnt some manners he would have a quieter life was inadvisable.

Funny stuff, I'll keep reading.

At 22/7/05 12:08 AM, Anonymous Trojan said...

Another amusing avenue is the public trying to tell you how someone is causing a Breach of the Peace (they never are) and that they should be arrested. They get quite indignant when you attempt to explain what the legislation actually means (No officer - I am sure that playing the nose flute at 11.30 pm is a breach of the peace, it said so on my cornflake packet) on occasion they start to swear at you, such is thier distress - leading to a crash course in the public order act.

At 22/7/05 9:46 AM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr Gibbon,

"slightly twisted"


At 22/7/05 9:48 AM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr(s) Trojan,

Thanks for the warning. I'll keep my eyes/ears peeled for these people.

At 28/7/05 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite encounter to date was with a particularly obnoxious fellow who started the conversation after an RTA in which he wanted the other driver prosecuted by getting all my details and the name of my inspector.
He then told me he was a CPS lawyer.
He then told me that the other driver had driven into him.
Independant witnesses stated that the other car has been stationary at the time of impact.
I then found out that he was in fact an IT worker for the CPS.
I then found out that he was Disqualified from driving.


At 11/8/05 3:27 PM, Blogger Kat said...

I love the “I have a law degree” comment! When I was a student I worked as security for the Student Union Bar, we used to get a lot of that kind of attitude when we were refusing people entry for being always started with "I'm studying law you know, you can't stop me coming in" and developed from there

At 11/8/05 9:46 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr Kat,

I hope you were swayed by their superior knowledge.


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