Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Modern Solution

It seems that just about everyone has had a go at trying to solve the problem.

All the professionals have had their input and even with the best efforts of our Positive Arrest policy makers, a quarter of the violent crime in the Metropolis is domestic related. Maybe it’s time I had a go? I know I’m not the best qualified to do this. Without a degree in something very relevant and a large government budget I don’t expect you to pay any attention to me. But, I reckon I can completely eliminate the problem with a simple 3 step programme.

If you have felt the need to call us to play referee in your life because you haven’t grown up sufficiently to sort your problems out for yourselves and without the need for crossed words, then you may want to follow this simple plan:-

Brian’s Guide To Domestic Bliss©

Step 1:- Seek Employment.

Being ‘on the sick’ doesn’t count, nor does Community Service. I appreciate that this may come as a bit of a shock. Having spent a lifetime living off my taxes it can be a difficult transition to make. If you are both gainfully employed then the time you spend together will be minimised. So much so that you are unlikely to want us to pop round and ruin your precious moments together. Until you have a real job, you’ll have to live with your mum in your old room complete with football posters and lingerie catalogues.

Step 2:- Stop Drinking.

It is very rare for me to turn up to practice what the policy makers are preaching and finding that both parties are sober. In fact, more often than not, both have been on the partner beating juice. By all means you can drink, but you aren’t permitted to be under the influence when in the presence of your loved one. Try herbal tea instead, it can be very relaxing.

Step 3:- Engage In A Same-Sex Relationship.

Now, I understand that this might not have been the first thought on your mind once you’ve got a job and are relatively sober. But, bear with me, this is the crucial bit. People have made a lot of money out of telling us that men and women are from different planets. They meant you when they were saying this. It’s clear you have a bit of problem with the opposite sex, so it only follows that you should consider a same-sex relationship. Right?

I’m aware that there are issues surrounding the under-reporting of same-sex domestics, and that when we do get called they are ‘real’ ones. Little spats and arguments over the TV remote tend not to warrant a call to us. We only get involved when sharp implements have been used by both sides.

Of the many, many hundreds of domestics I’ve been to, a grand total of three have been between partners of the same sex. All of them were drunk and bleeding profusely.

If only they had called sooner.

We could have solved things over a cup of Camomile.


At 16/10/05 12:37 PM, Anonymous RichieB said...

Brian, sorry to be pedantic. Isn't it kind of the case that you are actually living off of our taxes also?
Stop Drinking (!?), if I stopped drinking the rooms would start spinning and things like that! My own personal reality would be disrupted and I'm not too sure I could deal with that.

BTW, great blog. I always have a good laugh at your posts.

At 17/10/05 12:57 AM, Blogger frankp said...

Last time I was called to a 'same-sex' domestic, a vacuum cleaner tube was the offensive weapon involved. I think it may have started off as an aid to love making, but by the time I got there the disagreement was definitely in hot blood - all over the sheets! Along with other stains that I won't describe. I suppose it could have been chocolate, though!

At 17/10/05 5:35 AM, Blogger gonorr said...

Just brilliant, keep it up.

At 17/10/05 10:46 AM, Anonymous Canute said...

I heard that the victim of the vacuum cleaner was taken to hospital. Upon enquiring about his condition, his partner was told that he "was picking up nicely"

At 17/10/05 2:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having just done DV training, they have renamed "Positive Arrest policy" to "Positive Action policy". Apparently they no longer want the officer to make an arrest unless neccessary, but still want some positive action...desk jockeys the lot of them.

At 17/10/05 2:51 PM, Anonymous Tricia said...

Good points well made as per usual. And so funny - as always. Brian for Prime Minister.

At 17/10/05 8:15 PM, Blogger John said...


Sorry to be more pedantic, but we pay tax on our income as well, so we are self financing! We also pay National Insurance and make huge pension payments, so we don't end up burdening the welfare state in our old age!

At 23/10/05 12:57 PM, Blogger Scully said...

Same-sex domestics are the worst! My god, you have not seen a 'domestic' until you've been to one of them! None of this handbags at dawn malarchey, it's sharp bladed articles and even sharper tongues! Nice policy tho should send that to Dogberry, but then you'd probably be sacked if you did!


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