Every Cloud

I’m no Gordon Gekko.

Yet even I haven’t had a problem noticing that we’re in the throes of a banker cull.

I’m pleased to see that our leaders are doing their best to keep them in sharp suits and Lamborghinis with a few billion quid. It’s not surprising they didn’t have the cash for my three hundred pounds last year, nor this year. It’s all about priorities you understand.

It was also nice to see the recruitment firms standing outside the failed institutions trying to lure the recently jobless onto their books. Even the teachers have been at it. Yet I didn’t see anyone from Hendon there handing out leaflets extolling the advantages of keeping the Queen’s peace. So let me give it a go.

I know it might not be the first second career choice that springs to mind when you’ve been forced to hang up the red braces, but it’s not a bad one. There are a few changes you might have to get used to though. I mean actually having someone looking over your shoulder to ensure you’re not making a huge cock-up will probably be a first for you. There is often an army of people, right behind me, trying to get a glimpse of what I’m up to just so they can point out my many deficiencies.

The hours of work might not be what you’re used to either. You won’t be going home when the footsie closes every day, sometimes we have to work the odd unsociable hour, until you can get a nice little office number sorted out that is. Then there are the trips away; last minute breaks to Klosters and Barcelona might have to be put on hold if the very nice duties office people have decided it’s your turn to have your weekend ‘off’ enhanced with an unplanned visit to a football match or a front row seat at the ‘Save the Pickled Onion’ march and rally.

The company cars aren’t up to Italian exotica standards you might expect, but then you can’t exactly squeeze two average size officers and kit into an F50 can you? We can offer the latest IT systems though. Not at the sharp end you understand, down here we still use systems based on those used in air traffic control in the 1960’s, but we are constantly assured that there are new projects ‘just around the corner’. The average length of each of these corners is about six years.

Then there is our customer focussed philosophy. It works quite well until you come face to face with someone who isn’t up to speed with the policy of the day. Then there may be some friction that takes a bit of getting used to. Just because Her Majesty, the 650 dole dodgers, the judiciary and every decent person in the country says that certain behaviour is unacceptable doesn’t mean that the customer guilty of this lapse will be in agreement. Be prepared for the occasional cross word. Try to imagine what the language around water cooler would be like if it was dispensing neat wifebeater instead of eau de Thames.

At least you won’t have to lose out on the bonus culture. The rest of us will have to make do with the Special Priority Payment though, so long as Gordon can afford it after chucking the merchant bankers just enough to keep them in quails eggs and Picassos.

I’m not holding my breath.