Kerbing Your Enthusiasm

It’s a real hoot.

Bimbling around winding country lanes for a few weeks.

Breathing the fresh air. Informing everyone present about the hidden dangers of the surrounding scenery. Using the system in the correct order.

If you bimble to the desired standard you get a cardboard certificate. Signed by someone really important. You get the kudos. The pride. The ‘Wel dun’ text messages from jealous colleagues. Crucially, you get a signed and dated Police licence.

Not only can you now drive specified classes of company cars. You can admire yourself in shop windows. Wear your treasured aviator sunglasses. Collide with inanimate objects. On a regular basis.

Since the onset of Global Warming there has been a sharp decline in winding country lanes in the Throbbing Metropolis. During the same period inanimate objects have been quietly on the increase. Hidden in one of the appendices of the Kyoto agreement is the pledge by Throbbers to rid the world of these menaces.

Obviously we can’t be seen to do this deliberately. There would be condemnation. There would be pressure groups. There would be a music event.

No. We have to make it look like an accident. The kind of thing that happens when Driving plans A through to Y have gone awry.

Due to parliamentary decision making there has been a recent amendment to the Z plan, and there are now 3 simple golden rules to follow:-

Avoid living creatures.

Avoid anything containing living creatures.

Avoid foxes.

This mantra is taught in a soundproofed room at Hendon. It has been ratified in Japan. Even George W is on board with this one.

Everything else is pretty much fair game. The following is by no means an exhaustive list:-

Road signs

Traffic signals

Post boxes

Bollards

Lampposts

Trees (expect a mild ticking-off for this one)

Shops (careful of rule 2 here)

Parked vehicles* (ditto)

Police vehicles (double ditto)

Other Police property (assorted)

*- Guinness recognises that the current best stands at 2 double-decker buses when in a forward gear and 4 various when in reverse.

Hopefully, you’ve emerged the victor. You’ve lived to continue the resistance. You can remember all the gory details, ready for the canteen boasts. You can press the button on your in-flight data recorder.

Environmentalists everywhere will be singing your praises.

There’s just one last hurdle. One that would give Colin Jackson cold sweats. Be afraid. The inanimate objects’ ally has been summoned. Be very afraid.

For he has fearsome power. He was once one of us. Now his flag is firmly secured to the opposing mast.

The interminable wait. The perspiration. The readying of excuses.

Then the cry goes up. “He’s here!”

Gulp.

Behold The Quisling.

Behold The Garage Sergeant.