Land Sharks

In amongst the Diversity lectures.

Hendon teaches you something vital.

I don’t mean the Theft Act. Nor the correct use of a speed gun. Nor even their variation of ‘You’re nicked mate’.

It’s something far more important.

You may see it as a welcome half day off from the cut and thrust of the classroom. You won’t get any exam questions on it. You won’t have to demonstrate your knowledge in an observed role play.

Therefore you might be tempted not to listen. I urge you to reconsider. Take notes. If you haven’t got a pen then just commit one sentence to memory.

“Police! Stop, or I’ll release the dog.”

If that’s too difficult for you. Then just the second and last words will do. You will then be shown a very complicated and secret technique. Practice this often.

The Mark 1 Police dog has a number of uses. It works in all weathers and conditions. It doesn’t whinge or moan. It’s not trying to climb the promotion ladder. It doesn’t even recognise the importance of the IPCC.

All it wants is a favourite rubber ball.

When you’re gambolling through council estates, open spaces or gardens at 2am trying to catch up with a naughty person who has expressed his unwillingness to stay put. You need to remember this:-

Rubber ball nirvana occurs when the Mark 1 catches a fleeing person. Any fleeing person.

With the vagaries of wind directions. If you’re more than 5 yards away from the handler, you may not hear the warning shout. You may however catch a phrase along the lines of ‘Go get him’. This is where the problem lies. The handler hasn’t briefed the dog properly. He probably hasn’t even shown it a photograph.

You may think that you’ll reach the naughty person before Mark 1. Unless you’re part cheetah, I’d suggest that you would be mistaken. You may think that Mark 1 will be grateful of your assistance in detaining said naughty person. Wrong again. Now is not the time to think. Now is the time to utilise that oft practiced technique. Hesitation is swiftly punished.

Try as they might, the dog trainers are yet to find a treat tasty enough for the Mark 1 to learn the difference between Police flesh and naughty person flesh. They’ve tried learning workshops, seminars with guest speakers and even rubber ball deprivation. None of it has worked.

The handler may have to be a bit more discreet when handing over the goodies. But, a fleeing figure in full uniform brings the same reward as a fleeing figure in designer trainers and a hoody.

If you’re the one who goes off to hospital for stitches and a tetanus booster. Don’t panic. No one else will ever know about it. No one will stick dog pictures to your locker. You won’t be the recipient of witty, canine metaphor filled e-mails. You won’t hear barking on the radio for the next 6 months every time your number is mentioned.

No. Your Accident & Emergency bed will be visited by a string of concerned colleagues. At times like these you will be thankful you’re surrounded by professionals. All smiling, trying to keep your spirits up. There’ll be great interest in your war wound too.

Even if it is on your left buttock.

Don’t worry.

None of the nurses laughed at me either.