Kill Arthur: Epilogue

In these days of hair gel and styling products.

There are only 4 reasons why a Small Corner Police officer wears a hat.

Firstly, there is the obvious. Some of my colleagues are follicly challenged. They always don a hat when exiting a vehicle. If only to prevent a bright reflection from blinding a passing driver.

Secondly, there is another road safety use for a hat. If you happen to have done your bit for Kyoto and have wiped out one of those pesky road-side ornaments. Then the appropriate head gear is required for the Garage Sergeant’s visit. They like nothing better than to see a properly dressed officer standing next to an ex-Police vehicle. It warms their hearts.

Thirdly, we have the pub visit. To distinguish ourselves from a punter we go in properly covered up. This is so that the publican doesn’t think we’ve popped in for a cheeky half. It gives the customers something else to do apart from staring at the satellite feed too. No, not even if it is your mate’s 40th.

Now I expect you think I’m going to mention foot patrol. A few years ago you’d be right to think along these lines. Nowadays it’s a different matter. If Police officers were to walk about aimlessly what would we do with PCSO’s?

No. The final use for hats is for Death-o-Gram deliveries.

So, if you’re not on licensed premises in Small Corner and you see less than three hirsute Police type people walking up your path. Check for mangled vehicles with blue lights. If you can’t see any then get the kettle on. We may be with you for some time.

Until recently what followed was somewhat haphazard. Now we’ve all been trained. We’ve spent several hours being taught the correct way to say one or two sentences. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration. We actually spent ten minutes learning the right phrases. The rest of the day was taken up telling us what we should avoid doing. For instance:-

Telling the wrong person that their dad was dead.

Out too was the ‘Knock Down Ginger Approach’. That is to say after ringing the bell and hearing someone coming. We were no longer allowed to shout ‘Your dad’s dead’ through the letter box. Then run away.

On a similar vein. If the unknowing orphan lives in a tower block. We can’t give them the news over the intercom. Even if the lift is out of order.

Plain Speaking is the 21st century way of delivering the message. We can’t say popped his clogs, pushing up daisies, kicked the bucket, gone to a better place or shuffled off this mortal coil. The word ‘dead’ has to feature heavily.

We were also subjected to a number of phrases that were no longer considered to be politically correct. That they were, on the whole, factually correct was immaterial. They had now been deemed unacceptable. They were all actual quotes of Police officer’s words used when delivering a Death-o-Gram. There were a number of them.

Top prize wasn’t a very close competition.

“He had a good innings” didn’t make the top ten.

The Brian award for empathy goes to:-

(Drum Roll)

“You have other children”

I’m sure he meant well.