Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Kill Arthur: Volume 2

Arthur is still ‘Apparently Lifeless’.

The sobber and the weeper are in the kitchen.

Doctor tag has finished. The Police doctor lost and he is ‘it’.

The control room have my phone number so the doctor can eventually ring me to ask for directions. Doctors could probably tell you all the different parts of the human brain without even thinking about it. Give them an A to Z though and you expose another one of their flaws.

By my reckoning, there’s at least another 2 hours before I get a call.

A quick scan of the room had failed to reveal a football. Even if we had found one, I think I would have struggled to break my keepy-uppy record in Arthur’s third floor window box.

No board games tucked away in the sideboard either. Some people have no consideration.

I had my emergency pack of cards on me. 2 handed games are quite limited, apart from cribbage. Neither of us could remember how to score though. The one-eyed Jack rule always catches me out. If Arthur knew all of the intricacies, he was keeping them to himself.

He didn’t look in the mood for a game of snap either.

We debated asking the sobber and weeper if they were up for a game of contract. They sounded busy phoning Arthur’s relatives, from the kitchen, letting them know he was ‘Apparently Lifeless’. We decided it would be a bit rude to interrupt. Besides, if we left them alone they might get the kettle on. I hoped they had some Hob-Nobs.

A competitive game of Gin Rummy ensued. I called a halt when I got to over an hour’s wages down. I’m sure he was cheating. I think he was getting help. Arthur made no comment when I accused him of peeking over my shoulder. A sure sign of guilt.

Time for the Policeman’s second best friend at times like these. A word game.

In a 21st century twist to an old favourite. We settled for a battle of Alphabetical I-Spy. For money obviously. I needed to recoup my Rummy losses. Arthur wasn’t allowed to play. Cheater.

A was for Arthur…..B was for Body…..C was for Corpse…..D was for ‘Dead’ body (this one was pending a steward’s enquiry)…

..E was for Expired person…..F was for Floral wallpaper…..G was for ex-Geriatric…..H was for Hearing aid…

..I was for Incurable person (another one for the stewards)…..J was for christmas Jumper …..K was for Knick-Knacks…..L was for Lifeless body…

..M was for Morkin (the stewards were going to be busy)…..N was for Needlepoint…..O was for Ornaments…..P was for Playing Possum…

..Q was for Quantity of Lladro…..R was for Remote control…..S was for Stiff…..T was for Television…….

Hang on.

Arthur kept that one quiet.

He had a TV!

The Bored Policeman’s best friend.


At 5/7/05 12:54 PM, Anonymous Silverback said...

Definitely my brand of humour. I was having dinner with, amongst others, a bike copper a few years back. His wife asked him how his day had been, and it transpired that some unfortunate motorcyclist had parted company with his vehicle and slid for quite some distance face down before finally coming to a halt. His helmet, and what it was trying to protect, were apparently ground down to somewhere in the ear level. The local force had spent some considerable time cleaning up the remains.

The copper's comment?

"Longest face I'd seen all day..."

Force humour never fails to crack me up.


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