I'll Keep It Brief

Occasionally I have a day off from persecuting motorists.

Sometimes I get to do something really exciting.

Like paying a house call to a ‘suspected’ drug dealer for instance.

It’s not that I wouldn’t like to do this every day. It’s just I know my place. Motorist persecution, form filling and domestic circumstances reorganisation are what I’m employed for. I perform each task with the requisite amount of gusto.

Only if I get promoted out of uniform will I ever have any contact with a narcotic salesman. It’s unheard of to find one on the streets of Small Corner all by myself. I wouldn’t know what to look for. It’s a question I’m often asked by an innocent motorist who considers driving documents to be optional extras. No, I couldn’t spot a burglar or a rapist either. It’s just not my job.

That’s why I’m excited to be in a crowded room at 4am. You see, we’re off to wake a very naughty man up at 6. Apparently he’s been selling things he shouldn’t have. We’re not talking ‘green’ here either. It’s ‘brown’ and ‘white’ he’s been ‘serving up’. I waited for the punch line. It didn’t come. This must mean it’s serious.

He only lives 10 minutes away. We were going to surprise him. In 2 hours time. It would be tight. We may be a few minutes late. I hoped he didn’t go out for a jog. We didn’t want to miss him. We just had something really important to do first.

We had to be briefed.

I don’t want readers to get confused here. This was to be a ‘downhill’ briefing. ‘Uphill’ briefing is for a completely different situation. It has its own mnemonic and everything. This one was strictly IIMARCH.

The briefing pack looked rather thick. It was just as well, I may not have known what was going on without it. Or the nervous briefing officer who read it out loud to us all. He seemed to have thought of everything. I’ll just give you the abridged version.

I’ve already given away most of the Information above. Though, I did forget to include all of the intelligence we had. It seemed all the intelligent people agreed. He was definitely selling drugs. There was some doubt as to his ownership of a TV licence too.

The Intention was to wake him up. Arrest him for selling drugs. Then search his residence for a myriad of items. I can’t go into too much detail here. Suffice to say that I’m glad my bathroom scales aren’t on open view for all my visitors to see, and that I use waxed paper with which to wrap my sandwiches. Phew.

Things started to get complicated at the Method part. It had been agreed that persistent knocking or keeping a finger pressed to the bell wasn’t the way to awaken this man. I’m guessing he’s a heavy sleeper. We had a door entry team. Three men by the window wearing T-shirts with ‘Ghostbusters’ embroidered on the chest were pointed out by the briefing officer. Maybe they were going to a convention afterwards.

The man beside them holding a dog lead was introduced next. It seemed that the Springer Spaniel at the other end of the lead had a crucial role too. If he was apprehensive, he didn’t show it.

He was far too busy licking his testicles.

(…wake up at the back! We’re not finished yet…)