Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I'll Keep It Brief

Occasionally I have a day off from persecuting motorists.

Sometimes I get to do something really exciting.

Like paying a house call to a ‘suspected’ drug dealer for instance.

It’s not that I wouldn’t like to do this every day. It’s just I know my place. Motorist persecution, form filling and domestic circumstances reorganisation are what I’m employed for. I perform each task with the requisite amount of gusto.

Only if I get promoted out of uniform will I ever have any contact with a narcotic salesman. It’s unheard of to find one on the streets of Small Corner all by myself. I wouldn’t know what to look for. It’s a question I’m often asked by an innocent motorist who considers driving documents to be optional extras. No, I couldn’t spot a burglar or a rapist either. It’s just not my job.

That’s why I’m excited to be in a crowded room at 4am. You see, we’re off to wake a very naughty man up at 6. Apparently he’s been selling things he shouldn’t have. We’re not talking ‘green’ here either. It’s ‘brown’ and ‘white’ he’s been ‘serving up’. I waited for the punch line. It didn’t come. This must mean it’s serious.

He only lives 10 minutes away. We were going to surprise him. In 2 hours time. It would be tight. We may be a few minutes late. I hoped he didn’t go out for a jog. We didn’t want to miss him. We just had something really important to do first.

We had to be briefed.

I don’t want readers to get confused here. This was to be a ‘downhill’ briefing. ‘Uphill’ briefing is for a completely different situation. It has its own mnemonic and everything. This one was strictly IIMARCH.

The briefing pack looked rather thick. It was just as well, I may not have known what was going on without it. Or the nervous briefing officer who read it out loud to us all. He seemed to have thought of everything. I’ll just give you the abridged version.

I’ve already given away most of the Information above. Though, I did forget to include all of the intelligence we had. It seemed all the intelligent people agreed. He was definitely selling drugs. There was some doubt as to his ownership of a TV licence too.

The Intention was to wake him up. Arrest him for selling drugs. Then search his residence for a myriad of items. I can’t go into too much detail here. Suffice to say that I’m glad my bathroom scales aren’t on open view for all my visitors to see, and that I use waxed paper with which to wrap my sandwiches. Phew.

Things started to get complicated at the Method part. It had been agreed that persistent knocking or keeping a finger pressed to the bell wasn’t the way to awaken this man. I’m guessing he’s a heavy sleeper. We had a door entry team. Three men by the window wearing T-shirts with ‘Ghostbusters’ embroidered on the chest were pointed out by the briefing officer. Maybe they were going to a convention afterwards.

The man beside them holding a dog lead was introduced next. It seemed that the Springer Spaniel at the other end of the lead had a crucial role too. If he was apprehensive, he didn’t show it.

He was far too busy licking his testicles.

(…wake up at the back! We’re not finished yet…)

3 Comments:

At 23/6/05 11:31 AM, Blogger Frank P said...

Excellent report on the preliminaries of a bust and we’re agog waiting for the post- bust result and report. Just one thing though Brian, you might just offend a sizeable section of your already faithful readership by using the phrase ‘if I am promoted out of uniform’. The CID already has elitist delusions, brought about I suspect by undue deference paid to it by TV police drama, please do not encourage its members. You will find, as the years pass that the best work that you do will be in uniform; that most of what you achieve as a CID officer (if you decide to ‘specialise’) depends very much on the efficacy of what has already been achieved by first uniform officer to arrive at the scene of the crime, or who fed you local info about something on his patch. Promotion comes when you achieve higher rank, not as a result of wearing mufti. However, what I suspect - having read your posts since the commencement of this blog, is that your literary talent will, in short order, lead you on to another and more lucrative career. It will be sad loss to the HM constabulary, but even with your highly developed sense of humour, it is unlikely that you will be able to suffer the egregious deficiencies of your ‘superior’ officers for a lifetime and you are far too bolshy to be allowed into the upper echelons of political correctness, particularly as your bolshiness is encased in the insidious garb of satire. They have a nose for that sort of thing. But as long as you remain, keep up the good work.

 
At 23/6/05 3:16 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Frank,

I think I may need to clear up one or two points:-

"we’re agog waiting for the post- bust result"

Unfortunately, I can't tell you about it. I signed the Official Secrets Act. I take the threat of imprisonment quite seriously. No, really.

"offend a sizeable section of your already faithful readership"

I'm not sure there is anything 'sizeable' about my readership. However, I try not to offend anything or anyone larger than myself. I apologise profusely. Please don't steal my dinner money.

"if I am promoted out of uniform"

I think you may be looking at this phrase from the typical 'Woody' point of view. If you try it from the other side I think you may realise how accurate it is.

"The CID already has elitist delusions"

I can't believe this to be true.

"brought about I suspect by undue deference paid to it by TV police drama"

What? You mean they're not documentaries?

"if you decide to ‘specialise’"

I already 'specialise'. In domestics.

"Promotion comes when you achieve higher rank, not as a result of wearing mufti."

You mean I can't look down my nose at 'Woodies' when I don my C&A suit? It's a very nice suit. Polyester, I think.

"your literary talent will, in short order, lead you on to another and more lucrative career"

Don't expect any 'Belle de Serge' books in the near future. Unless you know of a publisher who's willing to surpass my substantial share of the Throbbing overtime budget?

"suffer the egregious deficiencies of your ‘superior’ officers"

My bosses don't have deficiencies. They're wonderful people. All of them.

"you are far too bolshy"

Have we met?

"encased in the insidious garb of satire"

I've never been called 'insidious' before. Thanks.

Please keep your comments coming.

 
At 23/6/05 11:07 PM, Blogger Frank P said...

Brian

"Unfortunately, I can't tell you about it. I signed the Official Secrets Act. I take the threat of imprisonment quite seriously. No, really."

Hmmnn! Just as I thought: nobody was keeping obo on the suspect's drum prior to the bust: he was out when you called and his wife and kids disowned him when you arrived.
Never mind - there's always next time - as the Actress said to the Bishop!

"I think you may be looking at this phrase from the typical 'Woody' point of view. If you try it from the other side I think you may realise how accurate it is."

Having been through the card as both Woodentop and Filth (not to mention other sundry roles which, like you, I would divulge at my peril given the lifetime provisions of the OSA) my philosophy remains intact!

"What? You mean they're not documentaries?"

Only "The Good Guys" - a marvellous documentary with just the names changed to protect the innocent (and guilty). If you are interested I can send a complete list of the real name of each character depicted. I wonder why the series came to an end? You don't happen to know whether the producer and director got nicked by the Sweeney for selling dope or something? I would ask you to check CRO, but of course, as you pointed out, the OSA is a powerful weapon against those who would expose any such revengeful chicanery.

"You mean I can't look down my nose at 'Woodies' when I don my C&A suit? It's a very nice suit. Polyester, I think."

Don't worry Brian, you won't have to wear your C & A suit: if you join the Filth part of the initiation ceremony will be a gold embossed card from the best tailor on the manor who will take your inside leg measurement very lovingly and produce two identical whistles at less than cost price. The left leg of each suit will be extra wide to enable you to roll it up for the next stage of your initiation into THE Department.

"Don't expect any 'Belle de Serge' books in the near future. Unless you know of a publisher who's willing to surpass my substantial share of the Throbbing overtime budget?"


Overtime nothwithstanding, your future as a script writer is assured, perhaps for the next series of "The Good Guys" (if the complete production team and cast didn't finish up in The Scrubs. I'm amazed that agents are not queueing at your door. You should team up with Dave Copperfield: what a combo that would be! Simpson and Galton, eat your hearts out!

 

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