Kill Arthur: Prologue

Bit of a chesty cough?

Won’t go away?

Drawing your pension?

Can only afford to have one bar of the fire on?

Haven’t been out of the house for a couple of months?

I can guarantee that after the last time your GP visited he was straight on the phone to his secretary. Asking them to let the person at the top of his waiting list know they could be in luck soon. He’d seen the weather forecast.

Now is the time to get your affairs in order. We’re not talking last will and testament stuff. That’s not my concern. You see, I’ll be round soon. We’ve never met. So you’re unlikely to be leaving your Lladro collection to me. I’ll be in your house for a few hours though we won’t be having much of a chat.

I’ll be getting there at some point after the ambulance crew has given up the fight. They’ll be in need of a much deserved cup of tea. I’ll then have to go through a familiar routine. In most cases this is made more difficult by your lack of forethought.

To help you to help me I’ve prepared a handy checklist. Feel free to print it off and keep it somewhere safe. Not too safe though as your Alzheimer’s can make it a bit tricky to find when you most need it.

Brian’s Handy Dying-At-Home-Alone Checklist:-

Ensure you have an unemotional person who visits you every day. Someone who is not going to let you get a bit whiffy. Someone who is not going to lie, weeping, across you when I’m a bit pushed for time. Home helps are a good option for this role. They’re used to it.

Leave a comprehensive and legible list of people I need to tell.

Make sure you’ve seen your GP within the last 2 weeks. Post mortems are very expensive.

Make sure you don’t die by falling on a knife. Post mortems are very expensive.

Make sure you don’t have any strange bruises. Post mortems are very expensive.

If you’re a regular heroin injector ignore the three above. Like it or not, you’re gonna be wasting the taxpayers money.

If you feel like a bowel movement. Please don’t strain too hard. Dying on the toilet is really not this year’s look. Plenty of fibre in your pre-death diet is a good idea.

Try to make it to your bed. I have a dodgy back.

Leave a note for the milkman. I’ll put it out for you.

Give all your valuables away. Otherwise they end up on my property list.

Make sure you have a selection of beverages, fresh milk and an assortment of nice biscuits in. Hob-Nobs are my favourite.

If you have a garden then make sure the grass is cut.

If you don’t have a garden do your utmost to get the council to move you somewhere that does. Then make sure the grass is cut.

Buy a football. I may be with you for some time.

In case of inclement weather. Get some board games in.

Like Cluedo.