Sent To Coventry

A scholarship kid at a top university.

Is the best way to describe being a Throbbing officer at a social gathering of the country’s Police Services.

Like the recent Lodge meeting in Scotland.

The other students don’t really want us there because we lower the tone. We can’t be trusted. We have no respect for the establishment. We insist on dropping our H’s.

This is all to do with ancient history. It seems my forebears disgraced themselves during the 80’s in various mining towns Oop North. It hasn’t been forgotten. Considering how long it took them to forgive the Vikings and to start buying Volvos. I think we could be in for a long wait.

We’ve moved on a lot in the intervening years. “I’ve met the Met” stickers are really hard to get hold of now. Ever since the incident with President Clinton’s helicopter. Yet our reputation outside the M25 continues to suffer. It’s so unfair.

For now we’re just tolerated. Only just.

Despite the gentlemen of the Press egging us on, no-one would let us near anything remotely resembling disorder. A risk-assessment had clearly been done. On us.

While they were off playing with their odd-shaped balls. We were left alone with our football.

Scotland is a very nice part of the world. But, there are only so many fields we could park up next to. There was a limit to how much beer we could drink. There is a boredom threshold that gets reached. Very quickly.

So we prove them correct. We revert to type. We show them the Throbbing version of ‘Happy-Slapping’.

I would like to say at this point that I took no part in the assaults. Not because I was a conscientious objector. I was the only one on the carrier with a video phone.

Apart from a TV, a football, a card game, a word game or a board game. The Bored Policeman’s best friend is a squirty bottle full of water. We stocked up every morning. Only stopping when BBC Scotland started issuing drought warnings.

On behalf of my colleagues I would like to apologise to (almost) all of the County officers who fell victim.

Especially the Lincolnshire PC who was nearly drowned.

And the mounted officer caught in the drive-by.

You did well to stay on.

I’m not apologising to the bloke with the dodgy moustache though. It’s your own fault for not wearing full uniform. There was no call for that type of language.

I’m sure they didn’t teach you that at Bramshill.