Hail To The Chief

An open letter to the new Chavland Guvnor:-

To:
Roger Baker
Chief Constable
Essex Police

From:
Concerned
Small Corner
The Throbbing Metropolis

Dear Sir,

Could I start with an apology? I am afraid I was unaware of your appointment until I read about one of your innovative policies in the gutter press. I realise that this might not be the most auspicious of beginnings to our relationship. However, I feel that I should be as up front and forthright as you appear to be.

I have now read your many internet biographies (it wasn’t on a Wednesday, honest guv) and am conscious of your distinguished career to date. I couldn’t help but notice that this is your first professional foray south of the Watford Gap. As such, I fear that some of your down to earth northern ways could ruffle a few southern fancy-dan feathers.

This may well be impertinent of me, but I would like to offer you some southern fancy-dan feedback of your first few months in charge.

I understand that you have politely requested that all criminals who visit your county bring their toothbrushes with them as they won’t be going home. Whilst I’m sure this was a request made with the best intentions there are a number of problems I can envisage.

You appear to have assumed that criminals have a home. In a lot of cases this may not be correct. You could be encouraging the homeless to visit you in order to be re-housed. Very noble of you, but is this really the job of the Police? As for their toothbrush ownership, I’m afraid you might be assuming this one too. In my experience with fancy-dan criminals, I have found their oral hygiene to be in a generally abysmal state. It is very rare to find any of them in possession of said item. Unless they are part of the bounty liberated from a high street chemists.

Have you considered the legal implications of your appeal? Will possession of a toothbrush be considered a criminal conspiracy offence? I only ask as I sometimes visit the Southend Riviera and I would appreciate not being arrested as a result of my ongoing battle with plaque.

I have read that you have banned your staff from sending e-mails on Wednesdays. You have requested that your staff either pick up the phone and talk to people on this day. Or, indeed, do this face to face. Again it is obviously a reaction to the North/South divide on your behalf. That is not the way we do things down here. We don’t ‘speak to’, we ‘engage with’ people for a start. The computer is considered a place of worship for a number of policy makers who daily transcribe and transmit their sermons from their electronic pulpits. I’m sure that you would not want to be remembered as the architect of the Essex Inquisition.

I note that urgent e-mails are still permitted. Does this include really funny internet jokes?

The Grapevine tells me that you have spent some time engaging with your headquarters staff. Your interest in how they fit in to the crime fighting sphere was well received. Your prompt re-assigning of a large number of them to front-line policing may not have gone down so well. I trust that your Risk Assessment, HR and Diversity Directorates will be getting a much needed boost in numbers?

I only ask as I can see some difficulties with them going back into the shift work trenches. We are in the height of barbecue season. I fear that weekend work could impact on numbers attending. This in turn could affect your local economy, with sales of flavoured chicken pieces going into recession. I also note that your county did not do particularly well in the National Police Golf Championships. By committing more troops to working outside weekday 9-5’s I’m afraid your team won’t fare much better next year.

Modern day policing is all about getting our priorities straight.

While you are in the midst of encouraging change throughout your Chavdom I’d like to ask you to consider some local bye-laws with relation to:-

White Stilettos
Chequered clothing (especially baseball caps)
Ra-Ra skirts
Cheap Bling

Thank-you.

Love & Kisses,

Brian XXX