Silly Boy

On the list of stupid things you’ve done in your life.

I’m guessing that that night would have to feature somewhere in the top ten.

You looked like you’d been having a good time with your two friends. I wasn’t being a party pooper when I asked you to keep the noise down as we got out of our car to go and deal with a routine call. If you had a problem you should have mentioned it then.

What you shouldn’t have done was to walk over to the fully marked Police vehicle and relieve yourself on the bonnet. Not when I was watching you from twenty feet away; even if you and your friends did find it hilarious. I’m sorry this was your last laugh of the night.

When I shouted at you to stop, you should have. This would have prevented you from urinating down the front of your trousers when I pulled you away. What happened next wasn’t my fault either.

I knew you had sized me up when I spoke to you. Yes, I’m twice your age and nowhere near as fit as you. But, you forgot or didn’t realise a few things when you took that swing at me. Like:-

I was expecting it.

You were drunk.

I wasn’t.

You were still holding your can.

Leg sweeps are very effective.

You need both hands to break your fall properly.

I’m good at leg sweeps.

So, after showering yourself in beer and bloodying your nose on the way to the ground you’re not having such a good night. The laughter you heard was no longer coming from your mates; my partner sends his apologies. The handcuffs and caution were mere formalities. No need to worry too much, nothing up to this point was enough to get you more than a fine. Even the weapon I found in your pocket wasn’t going to be too much of a problem. Just a few less beer tokens for a while.

Unfortunately, one of the other items I found in your pocket gave me cause for concern for your future well-being. Two minutes earlier you had been having a drink with your friends, now you were in a whole world of hurt. Although not my fault, I couldn’t help but look at you with pity. It wasn’t a grin, honest.

At least you started sobering up when I explained. Regrettably, it was too late to apologise to me. Nor did begging the Custody Sergeant do you much good. You’d gone too far. It was time for you to sit in your cell while I made a phone call.

I just told him the truth, and then answered his questions about some legal formalities. He didn’t sound very happy with you. He asked me about your demeanour now. I explained you were…err…. a tad nervous. He had an evil laugh.

“We’ll be there in two hours.”

I went to your cell to give you the good news. You were sleeping like a baby and it didn’t seem right to wake you to let you know.

That the Red-Caps were coming.