Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Silly Boy

On the list of stupid things you’ve done in your life.

I’m guessing that that night would have to feature somewhere in the top ten.

You looked like you’d been having a good time with your two friends. I wasn’t being a party pooper when I asked you to keep the noise down as we got out of our car to go and deal with a routine call. If you had a problem you should have mentioned it then.

What you shouldn’t have done was to walk over to the fully marked Police vehicle and relieve yourself on the bonnet. Not when I was watching you from twenty feet away; even if you and your friends did find it hilarious. I’m sorry this was your last laugh of the night.

When I shouted at you to stop, you should have. This would have prevented you from urinating down the front of your trousers when I pulled you away. What happened next wasn’t my fault either.

I knew you had sized me up when I spoke to you. Yes, I’m twice your age and nowhere near as fit as you. But, you forgot or didn’t realise a few things when you took that swing at me. Like:-

I was expecting it.

You were drunk.

I wasn’t.

You were still holding your can.

Leg sweeps are very effective.

You need both hands to break your fall properly.

I’m good at leg sweeps.

So, after showering yourself in beer and bloodying your nose on the way to the ground you’re not having such a good night. The laughter you heard was no longer coming from your mates; my partner sends his apologies. The handcuffs and caution were mere formalities. No need to worry too much, nothing up to this point was enough to get you more than a fine. Even the weapon I found in your pocket wasn’t going to be too much of a problem. Just a few less beer tokens for a while.

Unfortunately, one of the other items I found in your pocket gave me cause for concern for your future well-being. Two minutes earlier you had been having a drink with your friends, now you were in a whole world of hurt. Although not my fault, I couldn’t help but look at you with pity. It wasn’t a grin, honest.

At least you started sobering up when I explained. Regrettably, it was too late to apologise to me. Nor did begging the Custody Sergeant do you much good. You’d gone too far. It was time for you to sit in your cell while I made a phone call.

I just told him the truth, and then answered his questions about some legal formalities. He didn’t sound very happy with you. He asked me about your demeanour now. I explained you were…err…. a tad nervous. He had an evil laugh.

“We’ll be there in two hours.”

I went to your cell to give you the good news. You were sleeping like a baby and it didn’t seem right to wake you to let you know.

That the Red-Caps were coming.


At 18/10/05 12:30 AM, Blogger angel tech said...

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At 18/10/05 12:43 AM, Anonymous Richard said...

Not quite?

The Red Caps are the Royal Military Police, who are Army through and through and responsible for things like military law.

The 'Mod Plod' are a civilian force, responsible for enforcing normal civilian law, and wear normal police uniforms.

At 18/10/05 12:33 PM, Blogger Tom Reynolds said...

Bloody hilarious

At 18/10/05 4:03 PM, Anonymous RichieB said...

It would have been nice if you could have assisted him by explaining the differences between urinals and police vehicles.
Urinals - receptacles where piss splashes back on your trousers whilst urinating on them.
Police cars - A facility for the conveyancing of Police Constables which, when pissing against them, you get a whole lot of shit back.

At 18/10/05 7:58 PM, Anonymous Monkey said...

When I was in the RMP the first question when you got to a civvy custody suite to pick up an 'orrible little man was 'Do you have CCTV Sarge'....

At 18/10/05 8:28 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr Monkey,

Funnily enough....

At 18/10/05 9:44 PM, Blogger John said...

I booked a squaddie in a few months ago. Full of attitude and ale. He didn't let on until he was searched and out came the ID. Found out he was a lowly private, so I pulled rank on him.

Bless him, he might have been pissed and obnoxious, but he appreciated the rank structure applies the whole world over. His manner changed almost immediately. Didn't stop me phoning his unit just to let them know where he was though!

I suspect there was a warm welcome from his CO when he got back :-)

At 18/10/05 10:50 PM, Blogger MuppetLord said...

Oops. I guess he got a right roasting when he was greeted by whatever punishments the Red Caps dish out for getting arrested by the Police.

At 19/10/05 9:13 PM, Anonymous Gordonjcp said...

Oops. Just - oops.

At 21/10/05 11:20 PM, Blogger gonorr said...

Oh dear...very funny though.

wonder if he's gone to MCTC yet?

At 23/10/05 12:50 PM, Blogger Scully said...

ahhh squaddies, you have to love em! Well actually no you don't esp the ones that take you out and leave you off active patrol for 18mths and don't actually get any punishment other than being discharged, which is what they wanted anyway! But I'm not bitter...honest! Again, blissfully written!

At 29/10/05 11:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mental note to self:
Remember to remove id card from wallet when going on lash with the lads

At 15/11/06 11:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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