Pole Vaulting

To:
The Principal
Small Corner Polytechnic

From:
Thicko With Aspirations
Small Corner
The Throbbing Metropolis

Dear Professor,

I appreciate that we have never met. Although this isn’t through my lack of trying; as I have visited your campus on numerous occasions. I’m guessing that you are normally home in bed while I’m answering the many calls to burglaries at your sites. I know we haven’t yet managed to bring any of these annoying incidents ‘to justice’. But, we’re working on it and according to the latest force statistics we’re getting there. Just like British Rail.

You may have read in the media recently that some very clever people have worked out why you are the repeat victim of many burglaries. It has nothing to do with our belief that the courts aren’t sentencing burglars more punitively. No, apparently it’s because not enough of us have spent time in establishments like yours; buying fast food with cheques, drinking cheap alcohol and borrowing traffic cones.

Unfortunately, I spent those formative years learning a little bit about life in general and trying to get to grips with the paid work-ethic. Only now do I realise what a silly mistake this was. Obviously, I could atone for my error by taking a few years out to study for a degree at your fine establishment. However, I fear that this may be an option a number of my colleagues will choose to take; given that we are all academically challenged and therefore of little use to the general public as we are. If we were all to be found in your subsidised student bar every night I’m not sure who would be left to deal with drunks and the domestics. Not to mention the security of our near extinct traffic cones.

This is where you come in as I need a small favour. I’ll be honest here, not only will the granting of this favour ensure I can solve your burglary problem it may well lead to my promotion. I know that the clever people don’t currently consider me ideal promotion material as I have some grasp of basic policing and am therefore probably incapable of setting effective modern policies. That’s why I need your help.

Would it be possible for you to award me an honorary doctorate?

I know you probably have a file of more deserving people upon which to bestow this accolade. Although as all of The Bee Gees, Hans Blix and Robert Mugabe already have one you can take them off your list.

Before you send me the polite regret letter I’d like to try and reassure you that I’m not just trying to guarantee my quick promotion to a key service delivery role somewhere within the massed ranks of ACPO. I judge myself to be a very worthy candidate and wish to point out that:-

I have never been the recipient of an EU sanction.

My karaoke rendition of Staying Alive needs to be heard to be believed, and

I have actually found some weapons in my career.

Submitted for your consideration,

(Stupid) Brian

P.S. I also promise not to use the elevated position that an honorary doctorate would secure to lobby my MP for their support with any future Badger Act white papers.