Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

One For The Not So Clever

In the past this would have been the end of the questioning.

Now that my mates in the Risk Assessment Empire have had their tuppence worth of input, we need to ask you some more personal questions. We’ve tried to make them as simple as possible for obvious reasons.

Can you read? A good proportion of you can’t. That’s okay, if we think you need it we’ll spend some more government money getting someone in to help you out. It does make me wonder how you managed to fill out all of those complicated forms to apply for your state benefits.

Do you have any learning difficulties? We’re not interested if you’re just ‘no good at maffs’ we promise not to give you any complicated algebra equations to mull over while you’re with us. Nor are we interested if you had trouble working out how Newton applied his three laws of motion to Kepler’s laws of orbital motion and came up with the universal law of gravitation. What we really mean, but can’t ask, is ‘are you thick?’

Did you go to a special school? In the unlikely event that you’re an Eton or Harrow alumnus we don’t really need to know. Hopefully you’ve answered ‘yes’ to the first question and can help us out with the Newton/Kepler laws if called upon. This question is just our polite way of asking ‘are you sure you’re not thick?’

Have you ever tried to harm yourself? On the scale of important questions that we have to ask you; this one ranks pretty high. You would not believe the amount of paperwork generated if someone tries to harm them self in a cell. As we try to avoid additional paperwork wherever possible we’ll be a bit miffed if you do.

A word of caution to the jokers out there who think it’s funny to answer ‘yes’ to this question for a bit of a laugh; especially if you’ve been otherwise annoying up to this point. You will find yourself stripped of your clothing and wearing one of our fashionable ‘rape’ suits. You’ll have to take your chances that the air conditioning is working too as you’ll be in a cell without any bedding. Don’t take it too personally, we really do hate paperwork.

Do you have any medical conditions? This is your opportunity to tell us about your asthma while demanding a cigarette in the same, wheezy, breath. There’s no need to tell us that you had your tonsils out twenty years ago. Neither are we interested if you’re impotent. Luckily for you it’s strictly one person per cell nowadays, so there’s not much chance of disappointing Bubba.

Are you taking any medication, prescribed or otherwise? Viagra or herbal teas aren’t too much of an issue here. Anti-psychotic and anti-depressants are a bit higher up the scale. If you swallowed a quantity of Class A drugs when you saw the nasty Police officers coming, please tell us. Just to save us from the extra writing.

Do you need help for any other reason? Or, in other words:-

“Are you absolutely certain you’re not thick/going to cause us extra paperwork?”


At 6/11/05 2:24 PM, Blogger Myles said...

I just love it when you post. Almost makes me wish I could be a fly on the wall to observe.

At 6/11/05 10:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget that in addition to the suit and lack of bedding, answering yes will also find you in a cell with an open door, an extremely pissed off PC outside keeping a log and most annoyingly (for you, not him, he's already MOST annoyed)should you try to get any sleep you'll find yourself being roused every 30 minutes (15 if he's really VERY annoyed indeed) to make sure you haven't tried to off yourself in the time since the most annoyed PC decided to share the general annoyance by waking you up to make sure you weren't taking the long sleep. That's if you managed to drop off in the first place given the general level of discomfort your stupid little joke has already caused you and the sound of the pages of Heat/Maxim/FHM/Cosmo being flicked over at maximum possible volume by He Who Is Most Annoyed sat outside your cell with said mag and a nice hot cup of whatever beverage the gaolers have provided him with. Did this for six hours one night shift.
Great Blog, very easy to relate!

At 7/11/05 11:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely wonderful insight into your most luridly descriptive world. Your meanderings and insightful posts always amuse me.

I am so glad I have no need to engage with the majority of cretins you seem to Police.

Hats off, all say aye.

Well done. Keep blogging.

At 10/11/05 10:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

-ever tried to harm yourself??
try re-phrasing it for the really annoying a-hole "are you a self abuser?"


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