One For The Not So Clever

In the past this would have been the end of the questioning.

Now that my mates in the Risk Assessment Empire have had their tuppence worth of input, we need to ask you some more personal questions. We’ve tried to make them as simple as possible for obvious reasons.

Can you read? A good proportion of you can’t. That’s okay, if we think you need it we’ll spend some more government money getting someone in to help you out. It does make me wonder how you managed to fill out all of those complicated forms to apply for your state benefits.

Do you have any learning difficulties? We’re not interested if you’re just ‘no good at maffs’ we promise not to give you any complicated algebra equations to mull over while you’re with us. Nor are we interested if you had trouble working out how Newton applied his three laws of motion to Kepler’s laws of orbital motion and came up with the universal law of gravitation. What we really mean, but can’t ask, is ‘are you thick?’

Did you go to a special school? In the unlikely event that you’re an Eton or Harrow alumnus we don’t really need to know. Hopefully you’ve answered ‘yes’ to the first question and can help us out with the Newton/Kepler laws if called upon. This question is just our polite way of asking ‘are you sure you’re not thick?’

Have you ever tried to harm yourself? On the scale of important questions that we have to ask you; this one ranks pretty high. You would not believe the amount of paperwork generated if someone tries to harm them self in a cell. As we try to avoid additional paperwork wherever possible we’ll be a bit miffed if you do.

A word of caution to the jokers out there who think it’s funny to answer ‘yes’ to this question for a bit of a laugh; especially if you’ve been otherwise annoying up to this point. You will find yourself stripped of your clothing and wearing one of our fashionable ‘rape’ suits. You’ll have to take your chances that the air conditioning is working too as you’ll be in a cell without any bedding. Don’t take it too personally, we really do hate paperwork.

Do you have any medical conditions? This is your opportunity to tell us about your asthma while demanding a cigarette in the same, wheezy, breath. There’s no need to tell us that you had your tonsils out twenty years ago. Neither are we interested if you’re impotent. Luckily for you it’s strictly one person per cell nowadays, so there’s not much chance of disappointing Bubba.

Are you taking any medication, prescribed or otherwise? Viagra or herbal teas aren’t too much of an issue here. Anti-psychotic and anti-depressants are a bit higher up the scale. If you swallowed a quantity of Class A drugs when you saw the nasty Police officers coming, please tell us. Just to save us from the extra writing.

Do you need help for any other reason? Or, in other words:-

“Are you absolutely certain you’re not thick/going to cause us extra paperwork?”