A Word To The Wise

It is generally considered to be the worst office job going.

So I’m told, I’ve never done it myself.

Sat behind a computer in a windowless, smelly, noisy place somewhere in the bowels of most large Police stations there lurks a guardian of naughty peoples’ rights.

If you ever get arrested then you’ll be meeting one very soon too. No, not a social worker or legal representative; they come along a little bit later. I’m talking about the caring, sharing Custody Sergeant. Unfortunately the publishers of Debrett’s have failed to include a section for this meeting. I’m sure this is just an oversight and I have sent them the following for inclusion in their next edition.

Brian’s Handy Etiquette Guide For Arrestees©

The Custody Sergeant has three main roles:

1. To make sure you leave the station in the same physical state as you entered it. Albeit more sober in most cases.

2. To ensure we don’t do anything illegal.

3. To gather statistics for the Home Office.

You may be feeling a little bit hard done by and slightly aggrieved. Please don’t vent these emotions on them. It’s not that they don’t care (I’m sure there may be one, somewhere, who does). It’s just not their job. Screaming and swearing at them isn’t going to get you very far. Neither is crying, ladies.

Once the nasty officer who arrested you has satisfied the Custody Sergeant that you deserve to be there you’ll be asked a series of questions. How you choose to answer them will determine how long your stay with us will be. We’ve tried to make them as simple as possible so you shouldn’t need to phone a friend.

Name:-

Now I appreciate that we’ve started with the trickiest of them all. Giving us your real name isn’t really playing the game. You’ll have to see if you can remember the one you told the nasty officer. If you can’t then try ‘Mickey Mouse’, we haven’t heard it before. If you’ve fibbed, please don’t later sign the custody record using the name on your birth certificate. Using a false one that you can actually spell helps too.

Address:-

Believe it or not we’ll check. Until we have your real one you’ll be staying with us. If you’re found to have given us the wrong one and aren’t going anywhere then don’t be surprised if you still aren’t leaving after we’ve found out where you really live. We’re a bit funny like that.

Date of birth:-

If you’ve got a three day stubble growth, it’s unlikely that we’ll be fooled when you tell us you’re only fourteen. Please bear in mind that the follow up question will be ‘How old are you?’. That’s not because we can’t count, it’s so that we can catch out those fibbers who have difficulty with mathematics. Which is most of them.

How would you describe your ethnic background:-

I know I said they were simple questions. This one isn’t one of ours. Our simple way of describing your appearance that’s been in use for years is far too basic for the Home Office. They’ve come up with a far better way. You get to choose one of seventeen descriptions. Pick whatever you like, you don’t have to be accurate as they’re for government statistics and we have no wish to buck the trend.

Yes, I realise that you may consider yourself to be British but not ‘white’. Like I said, this isn’t one of our questions and you’re only allowed to describe yourself as British if you also describe yourself as ‘white’ because the Home Office says so. Even if your ancestors have been in Britain for multiple generations or you’ve passed the citizenship test.

Cockney and Geordie aren’t on there either.

(…to be continued…)