Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Silly Question

The trick is not to look or sound too clever.

If you appear like you know what you’re doing then this technique doesn’t work. You need your victim to be as relaxed as possible and thinking they’re dealing with a bumbling idiot. Which is something I don’t find very difficult for some reason.

Then you have to cover the first question you’re going to get asked, before you’re asked it. In the unlikely event that you haven’t managed to spot an offence then just quote Section 163 of the Road Traffic Act 1988. You may need to remind them that this isn’t America, even if they do ‘know their rights’.

To steal a phrase from my friends in the HR department, we now need to have an ‘icebreaker’ or two. This is where we get to hear all about how they’ve either just bought the car and are saving up for a stamp or how the naughty people in Swansea haven’t been doing their jobs properly again. Make lots of sympathetic noises, we can always come back to this one. Try not to faint if they tell you that the car is actually registered to them.

Now we’re all friends, it’s time for the one question which will tell you whether or not you’ll be getting your pen out. Without revealing the exact question I use, all I’ll say is that it’s an open one and includes the word ‘insurance’. Just look like you’re concentrating on something else and listen to the response.

If that response is in the form of a question and/or repeats all or part of your question then you already have the answer. Don’t say anything, a smile or a nod of encouragement will have them continuing. It doesn’t really matter what they say next, you’ll be needing your pen. Why? I couldn’t possibly tell you that.

You’ll just have to trust me.

Even if I’m not very clever.


At 25/10/05 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The best answers I've had to the 'insurance' question so far:

"Yes, yes sir yes yes yes yes. Of course. Yes. I have none. Yes."

"I not need it with this I think" (producing IND card).

"I haven't got none, but it doesn't matter cos I's disqualified anyway, and you dunt do nuffink extra like." Said whilst cuffed, and sadly much truer than it should be.

(and finally, and I absolutely promise this has been said to me once) "I don't know, I've never checked."

To be honest, I always prefer the "Yes" answer - a Hortie is so much less work than a summons file. :)

At 25/10/05 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"What's it got to do with you?"
The expression as his Chavmobile was loaded onto the recovery wagon destined for the crusher was a picture to behold....

At 25/10/05 11:01 PM, Anonymous Spoz said...

How about, "I got in Argos for forty quid."


At 29/10/05 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Living in Belgium - no Insurance here, means losing your driving licence - for life.
Though if you haven't bothered to insure, a little thing like a driving licence is probably also irrelevant!

At 18/11/05 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about
"but Officer, I am not intending to have an accident" A genuine reply!


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