One For The Righteous

Once we’ve established who you are.

(Even if it is a 77 year old, colour blind cartoon character from La-La Land.)

You’re now entitled to your rights. Please remember this isn’t America, nor is it a movie. You have three; we know what they are because we’ve done this before. If you believe you know better then please make sure you shout at the Custody Sergeant. They like that.

Your first right is to free and independent legal advice either in person or by telephone. Now we know this is a tough one to think about. Not so difficult for those of you who are carrying your favourite solicitor’s card or have them on speed-dial on your mobile. You know that at least they’ll get you out of your cell for a bit of a chat to break up the monotony.

For you first-timers; unfortunately we are unable to make the decision for you. I know you’ve seen the TV programmes where the clever lawyer turns up and frustrates the stupid Police officers before walking out with their client. As we’re not in America this won’t be happening to you. Sorry.

In our little backwater things are a bit different if you choose to avail yourself of this right. We’ll phone a central number and they’ll contact whichever shyster firm is currently on call for our area. At this point the solicitor will know what you’ve been arrested for. As they get most of their money from the bottomless Legal Aid pit, if you’ve been unlucky enough to be arrested for an offence that doesn’t qualify you’ll only be having a telephone conversation and a vague promise of someone being at court for you should you need it. Unless, that is, you’re one of the minority of our customers who isn’t currently passively seeking employment whilst studying for a degree in Daytime TV. The smell of cash will lure them down to the station soon enough.

Your second right is to have someone informed that you’ve been arrested. Please note that this doesn’t say you will be informing them. So if you’ve been shouting through the booking in procedure that you want to make a phone call because you ‘know your rights’ then see above. The bit that says we know what they are. I’d guess that the chances are we’ll be making the call for you, just to save you the trouble.

Especially if you’re still insisting that you really are Mickey Mouse. Juveniles should also note that your parents will be being told despite your wishes. So when we promised you that we wouldn’t in exchange for your real details. We lied.

Your last right is to consult the Codes of Practice which is a book about Police powers and procedures. I know it sounds like a really riveting read. Personally, I’ve never been bored enough to bother reading it. I’ve had a flick through and it’s sadly lacking in naked flesh, jokes and Su-Doku puzzles. Still, as you won’t be getting any Horlicks you could give it a whirl.

Just don’t rip it up or stuff it down the toilet when you’ve absorbed all the useful information in it. That’ll be another offence we’ll add on. You won’t be the first. Don’t worry if you’ve ignored my advice, we have lots of copies as it far outranks Harry Potter in the ‘ripped up and stuffed down a Police cell toilet’ list.

Now you’ve had your rights and made your choices we get to the complicated bit. You’ll be asked to sign to say that you’ve been told them.

Remember it’s:- em em oh you ess ee

(..to be continued..)