Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

One For The Righteous

Once we’ve established who you are.

(Even if it is a 77 year old, colour blind cartoon character from La-La Land.)

You’re now entitled to your rights. Please remember this isn’t America, nor is it a movie. You have three; we know what they are because we’ve done this before. If you believe you know better then please make sure you shout at the Custody Sergeant. They like that.

Your first right is to free and independent legal advice either in person or by telephone. Now we know this is a tough one to think about. Not so difficult for those of you who are carrying your favourite solicitor’s card or have them on speed-dial on your mobile. You know that at least they’ll get you out of your cell for a bit of a chat to break up the monotony.

For you first-timers; unfortunately we are unable to make the decision for you. I know you’ve seen the TV programmes where the clever lawyer turns up and frustrates the stupid Police officers before walking out with their client. As we’re not in America this won’t be happening to you. Sorry.

In our little backwater things are a bit different if you choose to avail yourself of this right. We’ll phone a central number and they’ll contact whichever shyster firm is currently on call for our area. At this point the solicitor will know what you’ve been arrested for. As they get most of their money from the bottomless Legal Aid pit, if you’ve been unlucky enough to be arrested for an offence that doesn’t qualify you’ll only be having a telephone conversation and a vague promise of someone being at court for you should you need it. Unless, that is, you’re one of the minority of our customers who isn’t currently passively seeking employment whilst studying for a degree in Daytime TV. The smell of cash will lure them down to the station soon enough.

Your second right is to have someone informed that you’ve been arrested. Please note that this doesn’t say you will be informing them. So if you’ve been shouting through the booking in procedure that you want to make a phone call because you ‘know your rights’ then see above. The bit that says we know what they are. I’d guess that the chances are we’ll be making the call for you, just to save you the trouble.

Especially if you’re still insisting that you really are Mickey Mouse. Juveniles should also note that your parents will be being told despite your wishes. So when we promised you that we wouldn’t in exchange for your real details. We lied.

Your last right is to consult the Codes of Practice which is a book about Police powers and procedures. I know it sounds like a really riveting read. Personally, I’ve never been bored enough to bother reading it. I’ve had a flick through and it’s sadly lacking in naked flesh, jokes and Su-Doku puzzles. Still, as you won’t be getting any Horlicks you could give it a whirl.

Just don’t rip it up or stuff it down the toilet when you’ve absorbed all the useful information in it. That’ll be another offence we’ll add on. You won’t be the first. Don’t worry if you’ve ignored my advice, we have lots of copies as it far outranks Harry Potter in the ‘ripped up and stuffed down a Police cell toilet’ list.

Now you’ve had your rights and made your choices we get to the complicated bit. You’ll be asked to sign to say that you’ve been told them.

Remember it’s:- em em oh you ess ee

( be continued..)


At 3/11/05 5:44 AM, Blogger gonorr said...

Classic, you must see some right nobbers in the course of your days (and nights).

Humour? up there with a nice cup of tea to get you through the day.

At 3/11/05 7:17 AM, Anonymous A non mouse said...

Childish I know, but it amuses me endlessly:

Me "You don't have the right o a phone call."
PIC "**** *** you **** *** you I KNOW MY RIGHTS, give me my phone call"
Me "Nope. You don't have the right to one."
PIC "Whats your name? Whats your number, I'll ******* have you, I'll report you to the sergeant, you can't stop me having a phone call."
Me: "Yes I can."

Repeat the above on a loop for about 20-30 times, depending on how long the journey back to the cell blocks takes.

At 3/11/05 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's all well and good until you get the soft custody sgt.....the one who folds for a quiet life and lets them make the phone call themselves, undermining you!

At 3/11/05 6:46 PM, Anonymous jurgen said...

I worked custody once in a while and I felt it my moral duty to instruct the detained person in the correct use of manners the art of such things as please / thankyou
being quiet and listening whilst another person was speaking, and most of all patience ..... ah yes the virtue of patience. Mine of course was limitless I could make them wait for hours for a see that wasn't then, and isn't now covered by the human rights act

At 5/11/05 6:51 PM, Blogger World Weary Detective said...

Worst job in the world. A drug addict or violent lunatic dies in a police cell and the custody offier is treated like a murderer. Police officers under criminal investigation are treated in a way that no defence solicitor would allow their 'average joe' criminal to be treated.

At 6/11/05 8:32 AM, Blogger Bodie said...

I work in an area near a major university in Queensland, Australia. I just love it when they say, "You cant do that, I'm a law student."

Our custody cells at our station aren't used for long periods of time. If CIB have the person, then it can be 8 hours. But if it is our(me) general duties, its only until we finish the paperwork and have decided to issue with court summons (Notice to Appear) or take them too the watch house.

Very funny and unfortunately very familar stories.


At 6/11/05 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The joys of the Custody Suite.

I'm recently retired and working for our local council.
The staff there, I'm afraid, don't believe me when I relate some of the more outlandish (tho true) stories experienced whilst Custody Sgt.

Keep up the blog brings back nostalgic memories.


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