Safety In Numbers

As a fully multi-functional Constable.

I can perform 70 or so tasks.

Not all at once, I hasten to add. After all I am male.

These tasks are defined by our control room system. This is based on a 30 year old ticketing system for the world’s favourite airline. Every call received is given a ‘type’ code which defines what type of call it is. For example ‘01’ is an assault and ‘10’ is criminal damage. With me so far?

Then we start getting clever. Sometimes calls can have more than one code. For example a ‘16’ (damage only accident) and a ‘26’ (Disturbance in a public place) is how road rage might be coded. Adding a ‘69’ to the mix makes it more entertaining.

We can even add a few letters to make things clearer. For instance a ‘06’ (someone has nicked my car) can have NOW added to the end (someone is nicking my car and I’m watching them while I talk to you on the phone. I could go out and challenge them but I haven‘t quite finished my dinner yet). It can also have FOU added (we didn’t make it in time for your earlier call and now someone has found the burnt out shell of your nicked car. Oh dear).

Some numbers are more popular than others. ‘29’ springs to mind. Some combinations are best avoided, ‘43/45’ is one to make you think about how good your life insurance is. Whereas a ‘45/48’ is one to get your camera phone out for.

Not everyone is as multi-functional as me. You can tell who they are. They’ll be the ones in a slightly different uniform and they always come in threes. You’re unlikely to see them at night or anywhere near water.

For £24k a year they can deal with 11½ of the 70 without first having a risk assessment done. These include things like ‘54’ (Lost/Found property) and ‘56’ (Insecure premises). They can also deal with a ‘49’ (collapse/illness/injury) but not a ‘34’ (drunkenness) or a ‘01‘. It’s fortunate that these are never combined.

Also among the 11½ are ‘45’ (explosion), ‘46’ (bomb threat) and ‘47’ (suspect device). Yet a ‘48’ (animals) would require a risk assessment. I am yet to see the appropriate form this assessment will be carried out on. I’m guessing cats, small dogs and cute rabbits are okay. Cows are definitely out.

Locationally challenged alligators could prove to be a dilemma. Technically they’re a ‘54’ too. Which is covered in the 11½. I suppose they could deal with it, so long as it wasn’t squiffy.

Then we get to a ‘32’ (community problems) which is not one of the 11½.

Seems a bit odd to me.

Like having a vegetarian butcher.