Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

A Word From My Sponsor

Every occupation is the same.

We’re just better at it.

In fact, until net-speak and txt spk came along, we were the undisputed champions.

I’m talking jargon here. If you ever listen to a conversation between police officers you might find yourself wondering if the Space Shuttle has brought some hitchhikers back.

To ease your eavesdropping and to enable you to nod sagely at the appropriate points; I have provided a small selection for you (more can be found via the slang-fest link):-

Pig- Polite, Intelligent Gentleman.

Rat- Really Adept at Traffic law.

Suit- A person who spends his/her time at a desk on the phone and computer.

Wooden-Top- A person who spends his/her time at domestics.

Plonk- Police officer who wears a funny hat.

Tit- Hat worn by wooden-tops for the benefit of tourists’ digital cameras. Plonks don’t have these.

Probationer- The officer who just gave you a ticket for no seatbelt.

Ghurkha- Someone who has forgotten their powers of arrest.

Ghurkationer- Someone who needs to update their CV.

Bandit- Someone who earns a lot of overtime.

Guv- Someone who doesn’t get paid any overtime.

Suspect- Potential customer.

Slag- Valued customer.

Body- Potential/Valued customer wearing handcuffs.

****- Transitive or intransitive verb. Earning the orator a Public Order warning.

****(2)- Transitive or intransitive verb. Earning the orator an upgrade to body status.

****- Noun. Often used by customers who can’t pronounce ‘Constable’. I blame the education system.

Brief(1)- Someone, paid for by the taxpayer, to tell criminals to go ‘No Comment’.

Brief(2)- An officer’s identity card often used as a cash substitute.

Disco Pass- See Brief(2)

G.T.P.- Businesses who recognise Visa, Amex, Mastercard and Brief(2).

L.O.B.- A call which did not require Police presence.

No offences, advice given- Another call that didn't require Police presence.

Domestic- Yet another call that didn't require Police presence.

Good Call(1)- Very rare occasion where police presence is required.

Bad Call(1)- The rest of the 11 thousand or so daily calls.

Good call(2)- What your partner says when you have pointed out one of the more attractive members of the public.

Bad call(2)- What your partner says when they think you need an eyesight test.

Window Licker- Err… this one is banned now.

Nutter- So is this one.

Person Suffering from Mental Health Problems- Window Licker or Nutter.

Force Feeding- Sampling the culinary delights created by Michelin starred chefs employed to look after the delicate palates of Police officers.

Breakfast or Curry- Deemed to be the only two dishes to satisfy delicate palates.

Kebab- A non-specific meat dish. Staple diet of Throbbing officers when not being Force Fed.

Trumpton- Duracell fans who are very adept at cutting the roofs off of slightly dented cars. Get them round if you’ve overcooked the chips.

L.A.S.- People who make drunks disappear, take our carefully applied bandages off and know which nurses are currently single.

Damage Only- See L.O.B.

P.I.- A Damage Only with ‘whiplash’.

Serious P.I.- A chance for Pigs, Rats, Trumpton and the L.A.S. to hold an impromptu street party.


We may have lost our jargon trophy and be sliding down the acronym Top 40.

But we’re still Kings of the mnemonic.

9 Comments:

At 11/8/05 6:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And there was me thinking that the 'Window Lickers' were the TSG...

 
At 11/8/05 7:12 AM, Blogger gonorr said...

i suppose you could always replace windowlicker, with either Still, as in still a windowlicker (worked when Benny was banned in the Falklands) wobblehead or my own personal favorite...skiplicker.

enjoy.

 
At 11/8/05 6:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I came across this term when I rang the West Yorkshire Police...

a shed - a car that is a complete wreck. Presumably relates to all vehicles.

 
At 11/8/05 9:40 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr Anonymous,

That just shows how posh they are up there.

In Small Corner we would call that a 'limousine'.

 
At 12/8/05 7:31 PM, Blogger John said...

OTS - Over the side?
On his toes - duna runner
And, I bet there is no word that covers this sort of thing
"A Chief Constable is asking his 4,000 officers to wear green ribbons, the traditional colour of Islam, to show solidarity with Muslims after the London bomb attacks.

Steve Green, of Nottinghamshire police, also wants the public to adopt the ribbon to support Muslims "being held hostage by fear".

The force has seen a 50 per cent rise in racial and religiously motivated crime since July 7 and Mr Green said non-Muslims had asked him how they could show their support. The force has ordered 20,000 ribbons at a cost of £2,000"

 
At 12/8/05 8:46 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Mr John,

I believe you are correct. There isn't one word that covers it.In fact it's two words:-

Embracing Diversity

It's very common. Do you happen to know if there will be a matching rubber bracelet too?

 
At 13/8/05 11:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually it's Ms Anonymous, but you weren't to know that.

Your comment really made me laugh, but then I'm from a small non-posh southern corner of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Ann

 
At 13/8/05 9:49 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Ms Ann,

Many apologies for my earlier misdemeanour. It was prompted by your use of such coarse language.

To redeem myself I have asked for a Diversity refresher.

Incidentally, did you phone West Yorkshire in the hope of a quicker response time?

 
At 15/8/05 4:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Brian,

Apologies accepted. :) I am currently located in West Yorkshire where the lack of diversity training leads to a barrage of comments about Jellied Eels and Tealeaves.

I think it might be quicker to ring the Met next time, though....

 

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