The Breakfast Club

There are very few things that can’t be solved in the canteen.

Straight after a 999 artery blocker is usually the best time to tackle the weighty issues of the day. Much less chance of being interrupted and everyone is too knackered and stuffed to get up. So, once the boys have “Cor-ed” over Page three and the girls have finished deciding which Z-list starlet needs a new dietician; the designated reader seeks out the story to be the day’s subject.

Mr Todd got a mention recently. It seems he’s today’s popular media darling by taking a no-nonsense approach with an emphasis on nicking bad guys, not hounding the innocent. Those ‘innocent’ being motorists who have been victims of their own right foot and lack of forward vision. They have then been ‘hounded’ by Police officers who would be better off catching ‘real criminals’.

The article provoked much mirth and head-shaking. Coupled with some Blazing Saddl-esque punctuation for the more cringeworthy sentences. Not because we have anything against Mr Todd you understand. It’s just that our sleep deprived brains thought that the story may have led the unwary to believe that the rest of us spent our days behind a camera. With a calculator close to hand to work out our cut of the profits.

It’s not very often we bother to discuss, with each other, the misguided conceptions of the unwary. We’re normally too bored with the subject; having had the chance to put our views across at every non-Police social gathering we attend and to nearly every ‘innocent’ motorist we stop. I believe one or two present may even have got their crayons out to write stern letters to different newspapers in an effort to put our side across. The campaign isn’t going very well.

You see, we can’t really argue with the fact that we often stop cars. Round the table there was in excess of 150 years of policing experience. That’s a lot of cars. So many that none of us could even hazard a guess at how many drivers we’ve spoken to. However, we knew the exact total of tickets we’ve issued for speeding between us. None.

That’s right. Not a single one. Another quick show of hands revealed that no-one had had the Chancellor on the phone to tell them that they weren’t trying hard enough. Nor had anyone got a ticking off or a ‘could do better’ on their annual appraisal.

So why waste so much of our time stopping ‘innocent’ motorists then?

Well, believe it or not, there are a few not so innocent people who know how to drive. The occasional ‘real criminal’ has been known to get behind the wheel from time to time. They seem to find cars much more convenient than the number 73 bus. I can’t think why.

Sometimes they even drive too fast.