Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Until the new recruitment process is in place.

There’s a good chance that you may be leaving Hendon to spend some time on the leafy avenues of the Throbbing Metropolis. Try not to panic too much; I’m sure you’ll be able to find a nice cosy office soon. In the meantime you’ll have to engage with the public from time to time. Sorry.

I know I’m not actually academically qualified (yet) to offer you any advice on working out on the mean streets; so if you choose not to read on then I’ll understand.

Brian’s Big Bad World Guide For Beginners©

1. Everyone will know you’re new. People you deal with will mention it from time to time. Street policing is an art to which not everyone is suited. So, if they’re still regularly saying it at the end of your probation then I’d suggest you get your name down on the waiting list for an office job. That way you’ll be able to look down your nose at me and perhaps set a policy or two for us to laugh at.

2. Up until this point you’ve dealt with trainers in role plays who didn’t really mean it when they got a bit uppity with you. The first thing a good tutor constable will do is to get you to deal with potentially confrontational situations. They’re not being mean, they just want to make sure that you won’t cry or run away. As I’ve mentioned in the past; please try not to do either of these things as it makes us all look bad. Punching someone who doesn’t thank you when you give them a ticket is frowned on too.

3. You know the bit on the application form that asked you to describe a confrontation you dealt with? You probably jotted something down about how some friends of yours got into a heated debate over a refereeing decision and you acted like an ACAS representative on valium to resolve the difference of opinion before someone had their hair gel messed up.

Well, I can’t promise you any verbal sporting disputes. But, I can guarantee that you’ll have to deal with a fight or two. They’re unlikely to be adhering to The Marquis of Queensbury’s rules either. So sounding a bell won’t stop it. Nor will Hendon trained way of starting every interaction off with “Hello, my name is Constable Smith. Who called the Police?” Pick the biggest participant and try to recall everything your officer safety trainer taught you about fighting dirty. Remember to duck at the right moments too.

If the whole team/pub/household/street has joined in then the chances are you may want to call for some help. Please don’t scream into your radio. It doesn’t sound very professional and we can’t understand you. All we need to know is where you are. If you haven’t remembered to look at the street name then we may be a while.

That should give you plenty of time to figure out how your CS canister works.

Consider pointing it at the naughty people and try not to spray your partner.

I’m getting a bit fed up with it now.

(…there’s a bit more…)


At 15/11/05 5:19 AM, Blogger gonorr said...

Bravo Brian, Bravo, laughing my head off over this. Well done.

At 15/11/05 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

v. good.

You sound like a very seasoned officer...

At 15/11/05 5:48 PM, Blogger blacksanction said...

loved the advice it certainly applies in my city.

At 15/11/05 9:45 PM, Anonymous Andy said...

Well, you always have me in stitches.. although, as my start date is only 2 weeks away I'm a bit worried now!! Haha..

Did someone REALLY spray you with CS gas?!! Ouch!

At 15/11/05 10:32 PM, Blogger JonnyB said...

As a confirmed thug and potential ASBO recipient I will certainly take note of this advice.

At 17/11/05 10:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a new probationer thats great advice i'll remember that

At 19/11/05 1:52 PM, Anonymous BlackRatControl said...

Standard Priority Message from officer in difficulty as follows:

"PRIORITY **** (callsign unobtainable due to shouting) ASSISTANCE REQUIRED AT (location is never clear)URGENT ASSISTANCE OVER"

You then spend some time trying to raise them, not particuarly helped by the rest of the section all calling up one after the other with helpfull observations such as "control - I think someone was calling for help" or "where are they control".

If this is you and you are told to standby what we actually would like to say is shut up and let me find out, but that would take too long and delay us trying to work out who is in trouble.

That didn't stop me sending 5 dog units to an assistance call in one of the towns once (they probably thought it was christmas)


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