With Honours

Right, now all the excitement is over.

4. It’s time for a cigarette and the ‘How was that for you?’ discussion. Unless you’re in Wales, then you’ll have to make do with a nicotine patch. You may well be used to an in-depth analysis with all participants having their say in a classroom using the ubiquitous ‘What went well and why?’ format. Unfortunately, Hendon have snaffled every beanbag in the southern half of the UK. Together with all of those officers best suited to using them.

You’re more likely to find yourself in the back yard with an experienced colleague asking ‘Alright?’ It doesn’t really matter what you say to this. Your colleague will know the real answer from how you respond and how long it takes them to get you laughing. This is where you learn that virtually everything has a funny side to it. Welcome to the world of stress counselling.

5. Once you’re ready to confront your demons again, and you’ve apologised at least three times for emptying your CS canister in my face, watch out for one particularly mischievous sprite. The Wardrobe Monster. It comes in various crafty disguises normally referred to as minor offences. I know that different governments have passed laws about the likes of seat belt usage, litter, street trading and dog fouling. Boisterous children regularly get a mention in community feedback too. All very worthy causes for your time. What would the PCSO’s do though?

The Wardrobe Monsters aren’t the only little tinkers you need to deal with. Please try to remember the other lessons you had in between the diversity lectures. To aid your memory, here is a paraphrase of a well known quote:-

“It’s the burglars breaking through the window that you want to be worried about.”

6. While we’re on the subject of memory; please try to improve yours. ‘Sir’ or ‘Madam’ will do for now, you can get on to remembering names for more than two seconds as you get more experienced. That way when you’ve decided to use your stop and search powers for weapons or drugs; you may consider searching the person some time before you’ve got your pen and notebook out, and started writing the next volume of War and Peace.

I know you find writing very calming. But, having your reasonable suspicions proved correct by the subject of your essay either swallowing the drugs or using the weapon on you aren’t the ideal scenarios. The pen isn’t always mightier than the sword.

7. If your search has proved fruitful, don’t get your pen out just yet. Yes, I know you’re itching to. But, there is something very important to consider first: Why are most old Policemen fat? Well, it’s the age-old problem of poor diet and lack of exercise I’m afraid. The canteen takes the blame for the former. Their lack of need to chase prisoners down the road is partially at fault for the latter.

Somewhere on your Gucci equipment belt you’ll find a very useful tool. Hopefully, from the dark recesses of your mind you’ll recall the circumstances in which you can use this handy device. You’ll only forget once. Trust me.

Finally we get to the conundrum of effective policing versus complaints. The only real way to avoid the risk of a complaint is to have no contact with the public. This is kinda tricky on the streets of the Throbbing Metropolis. Wherever I go I keep bumping into the pesky blighters. Until you manage to get promoted into an office job, your chances of hearing ‘I’m making a complaint’ are fair to middling.

What is it that most upsets our target audience? “Police Brutality”? Nope. Having an –ism or being an –ist? Wrong again, you’ve been watching to many documentaries. I’ll put you out of your misery; it’s actually being rude. Or, ‘Incivility’ as my wonderful friends at the IPCC like to refer to it. So, how do you avoid gripping the rail?

Easy.

Be polite to the ****ers.