Mind That Driver

Some time ago Carl Jung identified several categories of people.

I’m sure he spent a lot of time researching and studying the human psyche to come up with his theory. It’s still a must read for the psychology under graduate today, although I haven’t bothered reading the whole tome as there are far too many big words for me.

You’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve been doing a very similar study too. Not of humankind as whole you understand, just the parts of it I regularly come into contact with. The phone lines have now closed, the results are in and the first of my theories is ready for publication:-

Brian’s Driver Types Theory©

Foreword: I would like to thank the many hundreds of drivers who have unwittingly taken part in this research. There are far too many to name individually, but I’m sure you’ll all be able to identify yourself from the types listed below.

The Nervous Nelly- These can be identified by their inability to pull out into any sort of major road from a junction, preferring to wait until the rush hour is over. They find right turns slightly more difficult than solving a Rubik’s Cube, blindfolded. They are often found at the head of inexplicable queues of traffic. When stopped, a word or two of encouragement is the recommended course of action.

The Vicar- These are the drivers we thought were hardened criminals and weren’t. Sometimes our nasal radar has an off day and we get it wrong. Sorry about that. Still, at least it gives you something to say at your next sermon/dinner party or in an outraged letter to a broadsheet. Recommended action is a polite thank-you for their time.

The Bemused- These are on the increase and can be identified by their inability to notice a fully marked Police vehicle following them for two miles, coupled with a confused expression when they finally stop. Often their first words are “I’ll have to call you back”. The recommended course of action with this type is dependent on their score in the attitude test.

The Bus Driver- These appear in a variety of guises. Most either carry fare paying passengers or are driving a four by four. They consider the use of indicator bulbs to be an unnecessary waste of the planet’s resources. Kamikaze U-turns and braking are oft practiced manoeuvres; millimetres are very important to them. 99.9% are male. 99.8% of them will have points on their licences from previous ‘fit-ups’. Recommended action is reliant upon the number of vehicles involved in the crash they’ve caused.

The Professional- Their years of experience behind the wheel of a company car or white van make them completely exempt from any of our current traffic laws. Expect to hear a much rehearsed tale of urgent medical supplies/imminent bodily function and or a dying granny. Recommended action involves the maximum amount of checks. Words of advice are of no use, you might as well talk to the exhaust.

The Martian- Easily identified by their refusal to listen to our interpretation of the relevant parts of the Road Traffic Act. They usually tell us why they believe they have been stopped. Several times. Expect to be called Anti-Martian. Several times. Recommended course of action is to attempt to get a word in edgeways.

The Chav- These come in all shapes, sizes, cars and colours of baseball caps. Unlikely to be fully au-fait with the provenance of the vehicle they’re driving. They may know the details of a close relative who possesses one or more driving documents. Very likely to say “Just give me a producer, innit”. Recommended course of action involves a pen.

Sartorial words of advice are optional.

(…to be continued…)