Option Three

With the ‘quick-fixes’ doomed to under-perform.

We need to think outside the box and tackle this problem at the root.

Now that I have the attention of all the buzz-word junkies I’ll explain.

Clearly the problem doesn’t lie in there being insufficient numbers of officers on the streets at the times the offences are being committed. It’s the other way around; the naughty little scallywags are committing offences at the wrong time. Well they must be. Otherwise it would be our fault and nothing is ever entirely our fault.

I’ve been giving careful consideration to the optimum point of the day for anyone considering committing an offence to do so. To be honest, I’d prefer that they didn’t commit a crime at all but, there is no telling some people; no matter how many new laws Ms Blears votes for. Besides, I think it’s actually written into the Human Rights Act somewhere that they’re allowed to do whatever they want.

We have to get this message out to our target audience. So what we need is an effective advertising campaign with lots of adverts on daytime TV, messages printed on strong lager cans, leaflet holders at sportswear shops and fast food outlets and maybe a cheery little ditty from Chas and Dave to appeal to the youth market.

I’ve decided to call this campaign “Crime-Time”; if only to make it easier for Chas and Dave to come up with some deep and meaningful lyrics.

In an effort to help my colleagues in getting a good run up at solving the crime, it’s going to have to be as early as possible in the day. Not first thing though, there are a few important tasks to be completed first. Like breakfast and a chat with colleagues about the previous night’s goings-on in the soaps and whatever reality TV show is currently airing. Then there is the Sudoku puzzle in the free paper to complete having not been able to find a seat on the train.

Warming up the computer is next with a quick scan of favourite sites and to see how their bid is doing on ebay to start the working day. Then it’s on to email to see who has had the audacity to send a clarification request about their latest policy. Barely legible messages sent at four in the morning are passed around the office for everyone to chuckle at the stupid wooden-top. They are soon put to the bottom of the pile when a statistics request from a senior officer is spotted. Flow chart programmes are opened and after some careful crafting, showing their department in the best light, the reply is sent.

Then it’s time for the department/work-group/partnership/inter-agency/management/office meeting. Hopefully, this should run its course without anyone making a meaningful decision. Any break from this tradition could mean it overruns and that would make everyone late for elevenses. No chance of any Jammie Dodgers being left when that happens.

With everyone suitably refreshed by eleven fifteen or so we have a small window of opportunity. Now is the time for the ne’er do wells to strike. It’s “Crime-Time”. Barring weekends, duvet days, half term, holiday season, golf days, bank holidays, team building days and office lunches we’re at full strength; with every seat and computer terminal staffed by a crime fighter.

So go ahead, make their day.

Hurry up though, it’ll be lunchtime soon.

(… to be completed…)