Public Information Broadcast 2(c)

Now the hard part is over.

All you have to concentrate on is enjoying yourself.

It’s possible you may wish to partake in a drink or two to get into the party spirit. In fact you could be one of the many who want to drink to excess. Despite the warnings of medical professionals who tut and frown at more than a couple of units a day. Killjoys.

Fortunately, Westminster Council has taken medical advice on board and has a terrific public drinking law. I like to think it’s called the Pissed Tw@t Law; although I think they call it something a bit less direct. You see, if I see fit, I can take any alcohol from you and pour it down a drain right before your eyes. The best bit is that I have to do very little writing about it. The chances of you being able to purchase any more tonight are virtually nil. You might as well go home. Night.

So if you were one of those who didn’t heed my warning; tough. Especially if you were the pleasant young man who was waving a nearly full bottle of spirits under my nose while trying to push me out of the way. Congratulations for not crying, although I did see your lip tremble. You forgot to thank me for leaving you with your bottle of cola. I hope it wasn’t flat.

If your over-indulgence led to an unfortunate flesh/pavement collision then the chances are you were in need of some medical attention. You may have noticed that the professional drunk-kidnappers had better things to do than to tend to you. That left you with the choice of bleeding all the way home or throwing yourself on the mercies of the accountants, factory workers and retired butchers among the volunteers. Good luck.

Then there are the problems associated with being in a large, mainly drunk crowd all trying to enjoy themselves. People’s definition of ‘enjoy’ varies greatly. You may have been expecting a bit of cheering and to watch a firework display at the witching hour. Others may see fit to use the crowd as cover to relieve you of your belongings, or to take part in a bit of groping of you or your partner. Clearly these are something you should tell us about. Unfortunately, we’re back to the lottery odds when it comes to being able to arrest anyone for doing it. Still, the fireworks were very pretty weren’t they?

Hopefully you’ve managed to avoid anyone vomiting or urinating on you and you’re just tipsy, shivering, possibly bleeding, possibly crippled, poor, phone-less, alone and lost.

Had a good night?

(… to be completed…)