Smoke & Mirrors

I’ve been getting confused lately.

It’s not that I’m in the early stages of Alzheimer’s; at least I don’t think so. I’d probably be the last to know anyway. No, my confusion has been caused by a number of recent ‘new policies’. Which is odd as I’m normally such a big fan of pointless alterations to my working practices. They give me reason to feel alive.

Mild confusion was caused by a secret that my bosses were keeping to themselves. Now, I understand that it’s not practical for them to tell me the ins and outs of everything they’re up to. As a Throbbing Metropolis veteran I can fully appreciate the ‘need to know’ principle. Besides, we usually find everything out via the rumour network which then prompts an official announcement that nobody believes as all of the juicy bits have been left out.

This secret really needed to have the official announcement a little earlier than four days before it becomes law. Seeing as it kinda affects some important things. Like our powers of arrest. Fortunately the rumour network had been in overdrive and we were already aware of what was going on. In a nutshell: I’ll have to write an extra sentence for every person I deem too naughty to remain at large. It’s not my time, stationery or ink I’ll be wasting so I don’t have a big problem with this.

I’d like to take this opportunity to assure Guardian readers that it won’t enable me to arrest more people than is necessary. Daily Mail readers can also sleep easier in the knowledge that it won’t mean I’ll be arresting any less. It’s just a sentence. Unfortunately, the author of this piece of legislation has spent a little too long in their own very important world and forgot to address other factors relating to an arrest properly. I’m pretty certain there was an “Oh ****” moment or two when the first officer still regularly exercising their powers of arrest pointed these out.

Still, I’m sure they meant well.

I was further befuddled when Chuckie C and The Big T visited Chavland Central recently. Never being able to pass up an opportunity to announce a ‘new’ policy; The Big T wheeled out his Lifebuoy crate and told the world how he was going to make it easier for us to take money from the mouths of drug dealers. By lowering the ‘money laundering’ threshold from five grand to one, we’d be able to seize more cash. Hurrah.

The only trouble with this ‘new’ policy is that it …err… isn’t. Yes, it’s a change for this particular offence. But, as we can use another piece of legislation to seize any amount of cash or property in the same circumstances, I can’t see it making any difference whatsoever to us or the drug dealers. I suppose we can’t really expect these two to know every obscure piece of law. Nor should we point the finger at their respective teams of advisers, think tanks, policy experts or Cherie for failing to spot it either.

No, not even if it is a law that was passed by The Big T and his crew very recently. Or, indeed, if it were to be contained within the same act he was ‘changing’. As this one is.

Still, I’m sure he meant well.

I blame the Alzheimers.