Public Information Broadcast 2(a)

I love a bit of public revelry.

Mainly because I’m getting handsomely paid to join in the ‘fun’.

Some of you may not have had as good a night as I had. To try and assist you in making a better fist of it for next year you may wish to heed the following advice:-

Brian’s Handy Guide to Public Revelry©

Pre-Planning is the key; please don’t think this is a normal night out at your local discotheque with friends. If you know someone with a military background that would be useful; failing that you could try asking someone who has an ounce of common sense. Or, just go to your local discotheque with friends.

Transport is the first thing I’d work on. Driving is an option. You’ll have to get there really early; about ten in the morning would be good. Just so you can get yourself a parking space in a car park which will charge you a week’s wages for the privilege. Be prepared to be there until about three the following morning and then spending several hours negotiating the road closures to get out. We like closing roads.

You could throw yourself on the mercies of the public transport system. There’s about an eighty percent chance that the comrades on the Underground network will be in the throes of a strike. They like a strike. Buses are a good idea. Just make sure you know which one you’ll be needing and where it’s running from. We tend not to allow them to drive through the massed ranks of revellers. We’re a bit funny like that. If you don’t know which one you want, don’t bother asking someone who has the word ‘Police’ emblazoned on their bright yellow jacket. Not many of us moonlight as bus spotters.

Please don’t ask me where you can get a cab either. All of the black cab drivers are at their local golf clubs showing off their Christmas jumpers. Or, they’re in their villas in Benidorm. They are not roaming the streets of the Throbbing Metropolis looking to pick up someone who’s likely to vomit in the back of their taxis.

Expect a fair amount of walking, which brings me neatly onto the subject of dress code. Especially for you young ladies. Now, as happy as I am that skimpy tops, short skirts and high heels are back in fashion, you may want to think seriously about the walking bit and the weather forecast. I don’t know why, but, it seems that every year this celebration falls in the middle of winter. This is when you need the help of someone with common sense. I never get bored of laughing at shivering, limping ladies.

What you need is to take a male friend with you. One who isn’t planning on wearing a skimpy top, short skirt and high heels would be preferable. Make him wear a very warm coat with big pockets. In those pockets you need to place a pair of comfortable shoes and a pair of leg warmers. If I need to draw you a picture at this point, I’d suggest you should venture no further than your local discotheque. I appreciate it’s not the most attractive look. It beats being crippled and frostbitten though.

As much as I’d like to say “here endeth the lesson”.

You clearly need a bit more input.

As do some Police officers.

(... to be continued…)