Public Information Broadcast 2(d)

My night wasn’t too bad.

It could have been better though.

For starters, there were just too many of you revellers; which caused me a big problem. You see, a senior officer had to make a decision without the benefits of a month long consultation period and a focus group or two. This is never a good idea.

So the next time you have to make a decision sir, please try and bear the following in mind:

1. Make sure you have enough officers.

2. Bottlenecks are never a good place for cordons.

3. Consider what will happen ten minutes after you put a cordon in the wrong place.

4. Keep all newly promoted sergeants away from me.

Still, I’m guessing you wrote it up well in your decision log and you’ll be able to use it for a promotion board in the not too distant future.

To the well meaning inspector who got the job of managing your decision, I’d just like to say that you did really well while you were standing around scratching your head. That’s what you’re supposed to be doing. You lost brownie points when you jumped into action offering your words of wisdom. Please remember that cordons are only straight lines in training diagrams and when we’re not outnumbered by about a hundred to one. I tried asking the mass of people in front of me to hold a straight line as you requested, but they didn’t want to listen. Sorry about that.

To the newly promoted sergeant with zero public order experience who got excited: We need to have words.

Firstly; it was obvious that you got that loudhailer for Christmas. If you ever come up behind me, put it next to my ear and shout through it I’ll ram it down your throat. I’ve got my fingers crossed hoping that Santa will put some common sense in your stocking next year.

Secondly; if I decide to pull someone out of the crush in front of me there’s a very good reason for it. Just because you have shiny stripes on your shoulder doesn’t mean you know everything. I gather I made this very clear to you? I would have used more delicate and respectful language if you had deserved it.

Thirdly; I was glad to see from your shoulder number that the chances of us ‘working together’ ever again are remote. Did you manage to catch my number? No? I thought not; I’m sure I would have had a stern e-mail by now at the very least.

To the other officers who did their best: Well done, even if you didn’t manage to hold a straight line.

Then there were the ‘revellers’ who turned up with their mates to commit a few robberies. That was a very nice festive thought of you. Unfortunately, as you no doubt now realise, my posse is way bigger than yours. It’s called “robust” policing in case you missed that lesson at the Young Offenders Institution. Hopefully it convinced you to try out your local discotheque next year.

To the rest of you who I didn’t get a chance to chat to on the night:

Happy New Year.