Public Information Broadcast 2(b)

Well done.

For managing to dress yourself appropriately and for finding your way into the centre of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Unfortunately your problems may have only just begun. Did you remember to bring a map? No, I thought not. Yes, an A3 size A to Z showing the whole city and a selection of surrounding counties probably isn’t practical. There was always the option of photocopying the relevant page though; and sticking it in one of your cavernous coat pockets. You could have done this at the office Christmas party when the rules for unauthorised use of the photocopier are less well enforced. Just make sure you wipe all of the skid marks off the glass first.

You could try the popular choice of asking me which way you need to go. There’s a small problem with this: I don’t work anywhere near the centre of town. The only reasons I’m there are because I ran out of annual leave and you haven’t gone to your local discotheque. I know where Nelson’s Column is because there are several thousand people walking towards it. However, I don’t know the location every bar, restaurant, car park and club. Try asking a tourist; you’ll stand a better chance of getting a sensible reply. Otherwise, it’s my stock answer of “down the end of the road and turn left”. Bon voyage.

If you’ve unearthed some friends foolish enough to join you on your pilgrimage. Please find a convenient landmark which isn’t in the middle of the busy bits and agree to meet there if you get separated. I know that you all have the latest mobile phone with you (at least when you left home you did) and my advice is a tad old fashioned. If you don’t want to listen that’s okay with me. The chances of you managing to get a signal anytime before two in the morning are about the same as winning the lottery. Still, it could be you. If you’ve wasted all of your money on alco-pops and haven’t put any credit on your phone then the chances of you being able to use mine are about the same as you winning a double rollover….twice. Try a phone box instead. If you can’t find one then ask a tourist; for a sensible reply.

At some point during this exciting chat with me, you may feel the desire to wish me greetings of the occasion. This is fine. Don’t make a meal of it though. There’s a fair to middling chance that you have consumed considerably more alcohol than me and, as a consequence, aren’t as interesting as the conversation I was just having with my partner. A conversation that was probably about important police business; like a particularly fine example of a shivering, limping lady one of us had just spotted. Or, a young beau who had obviously got dressed in the dark, using a lucky dip method from a bag full of Chris Eubanks’ cast-offs.

You may also be fortunate enough to still be in possession of your camera phone and/or camera and wish to use it to capture my happy smiling face as a keepsake. Again, this is fine. If there are eight of you who want to get in on the action can I suggest a group shot? Just so that I can get back to my conversation and don’t have to hold my stomach in for too long. Thanks. For those of you who had to use a flash, I trust you weren’t too disappointed the next day when you realised that the stripes all over my jacket are reflective? Apparently, I look like a discotheque glitter-ball with a hat on. I hope you got my best side.

The bolder among you may want to take this first date a bit further. Unfortunately, the policy makers have been busy. I’m guessing this one was set by a female tired of going home with stubble rash every year. That’s right, a lifetime of tradition ended with one pre-menstrual mouse click. So, no matter how attractive and under-dressed you might be please don’t ask me for a kiss.

It’s official: We’ve all been banned.

Yeah right.

(… to be continued …)