Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Constable Sensible

They’re not on the application form.

Yet, they’re vital.

They’re not covered at training school.

Probably because someone is yet to devise effective lesson plans to cover them.

Where would we be without them? In an office devising policy?

Street Policing is an art form. No matter how hard Tony and Reg try, it isn’t sexy. Not everyone is suited to it. Not a problem, we have lots of policies which are yet to be devised as well as a number of vacancies to be filled in vital non-street Policing roles. All supporting us of course.

I’m talking about the 5 senses:-

Common Sense. This is one of the biggies. I don’t blame training school for their lack of lesson plan. You’ve either got it or you haven’t. If you haven’t then there is only one way to learn. The hard way. Usually involving a certain amount of physical pain. Risk assessments are designed with you in mind.

A Sense of Humour. The other biggie. I don’t just mean finding Chubby Brown amusing. The ability to laugh at yourself is a must. Unfortunately, you will do something stupid very early on in your career. We will laugh at you. It will be brought up at every social gathering too. If you don’t have any common sense then chances are we’ll be wetting ourselves at your expense. Sorry.

We are world renowned for our sense of humour. Hopefully common sense will tell you when it’s appropriate. Police officers find something funny in almost everything we deal with. Little is sacred. Please remember this. Try to hold it in until after you’ve delivered the Death-o-Gram though.

A Sense of Duty. I’m not talking US Marine Corps standards. Occasionally remembering that you have a job to do will suffice. There’s only so much time you can spend admiring yourself in shop windows. Computers are fun things; just don’t spend all day in front of one. Try to take the odd call too; otherwise your colleagues will be picking up your slack. If you fancy a duvet day then we have plenty of ‘disturbances in private premises’ calls. These should tie you up for a whole day with minimal effort on your part. If nothing else, it’ll get you back in front of the computer for a few hours.

A Sixth Sense. You will find that there are officers who a) don’t get into many fights b) arrest lots of people and, as a result c) earn lots of overtime. If you are a) rarely without a black eye b) nicknamed ‘Ghurkha’ and, as a result c) poor. Then you haven’t got one of these.

A Sense of Direction. Yes, people do often ask us how to get to a location. But that’s not important right now. Chances are you will find yourself sitting in the passenger seat of a low performance diesel vehicle at some point. The ability to read a map is useful. It’s also your job. Sod’s law states that the most urgent of calls will be at a place your driver hasn’t heard of. Please try to get your bit right. Having to do U-turns in heavy traffic, with lights and sirens on, makes the driver look bad. Expect a sense of humour failure. And some swearing.

If you can’t tick all the boxes then please get off the streets.

We’re short on new policies at the moment.

There hasn’t been one since yesterday.

3 Comments:

At 18/8/05 4:05 PM, Anonymous Frank P said...

No sense in arguing with any of that. Spot on Brian. Do you think the Commissioner would benefit from this post in his current predicament?

 
At 19/8/05 12:28 AM, Blogger Lennie Briscoe said...

I really get pissed off when i'm with someone who cant read a road map...maybe has somthing to do with my ex-military side.. I tutored one guy who just couldn't do it... Don't ask me how or why, he just couldn't...but then he did turn up for his first foot patrol in his builders boots with brick dust on and not his patrol boots..hmm

 
At 20/8/05 11:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cant agree with you enough,I get very annoyed when my observer cannot read a map and I have to stop to find out for myself.

 

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