Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Following many years of investigation.

The case is finally closed and I’m now ready to publish the definitive answers to those burning questions about policing. The ones that have kept many people awake at night, not least of all me. So if there has been something Police related you’ve always wondered about then read on, the answer is bound to be here.

Why do Police officers eat doughnuts?

In a nutshell: Low blood sugar. Like most shift workers we suffer from this as our meal times are flexible and sometimes non-existent. It is not unusual to have only one proper meal every 24 hours. As a consequence feeling weak, tired and light headed is common place. Doughnuts contain all the correct nutrients to cure this problem. That and they taste really good; plus we get a discount at Krispy Kreme.

Why do Traffic officers have moustaches?

In days gone by I would have said it was so that they resembled their hero Nigel Mansell. In the modern Police Service this is an unacceptable reason as we wouldn’t want our top drivers believing they were about to out-brake Ayrton Senna through Paddock every time they switched the siren on. Besides, Nigel has shaved his off now.

No, there is a much simpler explanation. It’s a matter of respect. If you spend your life discussing, with like minded people, the difference between brake and engine traction control systems and how the yaw rates and lateral offsets can vary; then you need to have a moustache to establish your credibility. A tank top would help too, but we haven’t started issuing them yet. Sorry guys.

Why do detectives wear ‘zany’ ties?

Because they can. It’s as simple as that. The standard Throbbing issue tie is plain black. However, only officers who wear uniforms get to wear those. When you get ‘promoted’ to detective you need to emphasise that you are no longer a mere wooden top. So, along with all thoughts of ever going out on the streets again, the black tie is discarded.

Some other answers to this question were considered. Like being colour blind, making up for a lack of personality, to divert attention from the cheap suit, to brighten up endless days spent in front of a computer or because Jack Regan wore some shockers. But they were all ruled out.

Why do armed officers swagger?

Because it’s difficult to walk normally with an extra penis strapped on.

Why do female officers all resemble Jennifer Lopez?

Sorry fellas I’m not referring to frontal views or musical and thespian attributes here. No, I mean they all look like her from ..err.. a certain angle. Contrary to popular belief it’s not because they always get to the doughnut box first. Nor is it due to genetic heritage or any thyroid inactivity; despite what they may say.

It’s much more straightforward than all that. It’s because the Throbbing uniform makers are all big J-Lo fans. Either that or they haven’t yet realised that female officers wear the trousers now.

Why do all new male officers resemble Tom Cruise?

Sorry to get your hopes up here ladies, it’s not what you think.

It’s just because we don’t have a height restriction anymore.


At 13/12/05 11:12 AM, Anonymous Bluearsedfly said...

I thought female officers posteriors were meant to be large to stop the weighty kit belt from falling down?

At 13/12/05 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its true those, I've seen some very pretty WPC's who when they are in uniform suddenly appear to have the biggest arses in the world.
I put it down to trouser design too.

At 13/12/05 4:07 PM, Anonymous Nick said...

Funny how the first three posts are all about WPC's backsides!

I've been wondering this for a while as well and I suspect that it is a combination of poor trouser design adding to the weight gain that man officers seem to achieve once they join.

I did get a shock the other day when I saw a WPC with a relatively small rear-end!

I got an even bigger shock when a certain Met police station cutody was being run by two very young and attractive WPS's! Unfortunately, they both had Jo-Lo's!

At 13/12/05 8:07 PM, Anonymous Joseph said...

I always wondered about the doughnuts (or "donuts" as they call them here...), but don't PC's ever get sick of eating the same thing day in day out, and if so, why don't more eat other things, like hamburgers etc?

At 14/12/05 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Put simply Joseph, a doughnut is a pre-packaged sugar bomb of fried dough. Easy to grab and fire back along with a cup of lukewarm "I made it for you thirty minutes ago but then you had that flash call to the pointless domestic" super strength coffee (or tea that the charitable char person has neglected to remove the bag from. . ."stewed" hardly begins to cover it). Anything else requires effort and process we simply don't have time for when you can "grab and go" a day old doughnut from it's sugary plastic tomb. Easy as that.
Had a flash shout the other week literally ten seconds after stirring the sugar into a fresh, perfect cup of tea. Partner drove so I took my tea with me. Twenty minnute run, I just finished the tea as we pulled up at the address, perfect timing, and I was refreshed and ready to go. Recommended, they should teach you "full cup of delicious hot tea balancing when on flash calls" in training.


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