The Polite & Orderly Act

Granny Brian (RIP) was never a navvy.

Consequently the conversations I had with her didn’t use the language found in most of today’s urban music. In fact we even had to stop discussing Cliff Richard after he sang about satisfying his Living Doll. Yet our weekly knit-a-thons were never conducted in silence.

To the soothing muzak of clacking needles and The Archers we managed to talk about all manner of things without the need to raise our voices, blaspheme or mention slapping our bitches up. Even when the topics being discussed were of a controversial nature; like the rough boys she sometimes saw in the village or the courting young maiden next door who was obviously in turmoil over which of her many suitors was the right one to take her up the aisle.

Almost twenty years ago the policy makers of the day saw fit to protect Granny Brian from having to witness anything stronger than a “blimey” whilst out visiting the local greengrocer when they passed the Public Order Act. I’m not sure this legislation was meant to prevent Ian and Adam from having a snog on Radio 4, which would not have been welcome in Granny Brian’s parlour. But, it should assist us in dealing with the rough boys on the village green.

We never did get to chat about the gradual breakdown of the nuclear family unit and the decreasing respect for anything remotely resembling authority. She popped her clogs around the same time we started reading the opinions of men in white vans in national newspapers being touted as representative of the populist view. I don’t think she would have agreed with most of them.

If Granny Brian had had a column in a tabloid I feel sure she wouldn’t have blamed the government, the teachers, the Police, video games, satellite TV, violent films or Snoop Dogg. No, it would have been a very short article. She would have blamed it on swearing and the parents.

The Public Order Act does not permit us to do anything about parenting skills. It does give us the power to address Granny Brian’s other concern though. Now, I’ll have to fess up here. I know one or two rude words and I’ve been known to utter them on occasion. They’re usually confined to occasions when I strike my digits with blunt objects, watching the TV news or when people ask me stupid questions. Don’t tell Granny though.

Included among the list of people I wouldn’t swear at/in front of are teachers, grannies and people I’ve never met before. Unless they’re the ones asking me stupid questions, I wouldn’t swear at Police officers either. I think I’m in the minority though.

Well I must be for I’m often subjected to crude language whilst at work. Some of it is even quite spiteful. I find myself routinely having to ask people I’ve only just met to refrain from using it. In the majority of cases it has a very calming effect as they then have to think about what they want to say, which usually means they stop shouting. I would recommend any new officer trying it out.

Of course you do get the odd person who has a hearing malfunction. In which case your recollection of the relevant section(s) of the act will be tested and you may need to issue a warning. Don’t delay; they need to understand they’ve reached the limit. Sometimes they can’t overcome their defective listening skills and then exceed the limit.

At this point you’ll need to make Granny Brian proud of you.

Nick the ****.