Age Concern

“Policemen are getting younger every day”

If it only it were true.

There is a point, somewhere, when you realise that you are perhaps not the spring chicken you once were: a watershed moment if you like. There are lots of small hints along the way when you shake your head and have a little smile to yourself; or a grimace.

Some of those clues may include:-

Realising that no-one asks you to make the tea any more and you get yours served. Not a bad thing you might say. But, these youngsters just have no idea how to make a proper cup of tea. What happened to warming the pot first?

Arresting people who are young enough to call me ‘Sir’ or, at least, ‘Mister’. Although those aren’t normally the first words they utter. From mouths that could do with a good wash out with some soap.

Working with someone who is young enough to be your offspring is a common one these days. Again not an unpleasant experience as they’re normally very keen and know the appropriate point to get their pens out. They can also make up for your skill gaps. Like running and climbing for example.

They do have their downsides though like constantly pointing out attractive young ladies they notice. Young ladies who would probably address me as ‘Sir’ or ‘Mister’ if I were ever to meet them in a discotheque.

They also talk incessantly at meal times about TV programmes you’d never dream of watching, Z-List celebrities you’ve never heard of or the latest fashion that always seems to be cheekily revealing and piercingly painful. Occasionally, enough mature officers are present to counter this and reminisce about the golden years of Miami Vice, Don Johnson and white suits with a single ear-ring and no socks. Even then age cruelly takes its toll as none of us can ever remember the name of Crockett’s alligator.

Sadly, all of these sort of creep up on you and before you know it you’re planning your retirement to warmer climes or to that idyllic little country pub. You’ll know the time is right to get the deposit down on your preferred option when other small indicators start appearing. Like:-

Your Inspector is young enough to be your offspring or,

You’re arresting people the same age as your grandchildren or,

You find yourself calling everyone ‘sonny’.

However, there are more direct ways to reach that watershed moment. Single events that cause you to start counting the pay days left until you can finally hang your helmet up.

For instance you could find yourself dealing with one of the raucous gentlemen who feel the need to sit around in public drowning themselves with cheap cider. One who has become so merry that he has temporarily lost the use of his legs, his bladder has inexplicably emptied into his trousers and his dinner has passed through his oesophagus in both directions. While waiting for the ambulance to come and kidnap him, you may manage to coax some details out. Like his date of birth.

The day you find yourself sweeping a wino up who was born sometime after you were, counts as a watershed moment.

I’ve started counting pay days.