Quality Street Officers

I’m sure the Hendon recruitment people do their best.

To sort the wheat from the chaff of the many thousands who apply to join our merry band. Fortunately they get a mixture of personalities, you wouldn’t want thirty thousand robots would you? There’s obviously a mixture of abilities too, but we’re doing our best to make sure no-one has to think too much for themselves. So that isn’t much of an issue anymore. We now have a procedure for nearly everything and I’m just waiting for the day when a sign with a diagram on it appears above each urinal. It won’t be long.

As someone really clever once said :-

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.”

I may not know exactly what we’ll be getting from training school; but I can almost guarantee they’ll fall into one of these selections:-

Strawberry Dreams- Now, you know when you find yourself scratching your head thinking “What the blazes is this person doing in the Police?” Well the chances are you’ve encountered a Strawberry Dream. Whether it was the lure of the polyester/cotton mix uniform or the promise of a policy maker’s position in their first six months, I don’t know. Usually extremely pleasant with no nasty aftertaste; yet somehow not quite on the same page as everyone else. They’re always the first to go.

Toffee Pennies- Some like these, some don’t. Not as smoothly made as other selections and are a bit rough round the edges. They’re the least pretentious and most natural of the selection and are not hiding anything within; what you see is what you get. Very likely to have recently left the armed services. Longest lasting of the selection by far.

Noisette Triangles- These always catch the eye. With their shiny silver foil and unusual shape they are the most popular among the discerning connoisseurs within our management. Although they’re not sure what the substance is. Can often be found going from one plum job to another with no-one able to quite work out what it’s doing there. But it looks good so it must be good.

Milk Chocolate Hazelnuts- These have a very thin outer layer that hides a shock underneath. An unexpectedly hard centre that can cause damage to the unwary and are best treated with care by all those who come into contact. Always very popular with the IPCC.

Caramel Cups- The total opposite to the hardcore Hazelnuts. They’re by far the most pleasing to the palette and never likely to offend anyone. They can usually get away with just being pleasant for long periods of time. That is, until they come up against some hard nuts. Then they melt into an office somewhere.

Hazelnuts in Caramel- A combination of the previous two selections. They have three distinct layers with a soft texture to warn of the hard centre to come. With all of the right qualities, they’re always a favourite of colleagues and sergeants.

Orange Chocolate Crunches- These are always the ones left behind in the box when everyone else has long gone. They look like the rest of the selections. They desperately want to be as well thought of as the others too. They just never quite make it out of the box first. Or at all.

Still, they keep the sign makers busy.