Reverting To Type

As a Police Officer I have certain rights.

Chief among these is the right to whinge. I feel a really good whinge coming on. So, if you’re of a nervous disposition please stop reading now. This is a standard disclaimer; if you choose to ignore it please don’t tell me. Tell someone who cares. Okay?

There is a very short list of things that give me the hump. Jobsworths have to be in the number one spot. But there is a close second: people who cannot make a decision. I know you may find it hard to believe, but occasionally one or two slip through the net and make it into the modern Police service. They are the current bane of my life.

If this applies to you, listen up for a minute or two.

You’re an adult so I’m just guessing that your mum didn’t dress you this morning. Your choice of underwear for today was completely down to you. Well done, that sounds like a decision to me.

You managed to find your way into work. There must have been a decision or two involved in that. Again, congratulations.

Now we hit a snag. You see, I too have coped with the daily boxer shorts versus skimpy leopard-print thong debate as well as remembering the route to my place of employment. This is only good news for one of us, and that isn’t me. Seeing as my presence has completely absolved you of any more decision making for the rest of the working day.

My diary does not say:-

1000 Hrs- Cure Cancer

1030 Hrs- Launch manned mission to Pluto

1100 Hrs- Break for elevenses

No, like you, my diary is blank. This can only mean one thing:-

Another day of standard police work involving dealing with stuff I’ve dealt with before.

Yes, I understand that I may have been dealing with this ‘stuff’ a little bit longer than you. This is why your diary doesn’t say that you’re heading a murder enquiry team today. Yes, there is a greater chance you may come across something that you haven’t done in the past; in which case you are allowed to contact me.

BUT if you haven’t:-

1. Decided right from wrong

and

2. Gone as far as you can before phoning me

I reserve the right to swear at you. Although I’m familiar with an awful lot of swear words, you’ve been forcing me to search the internet for some new ones. The short pause before me launching into a long list of expletives was caused by my mouth hanging open in response to your very stupid question. A question I know you know the answer to.

You don’t always wait for us to get out of the station before you want me to play mother. You aren’t allowed to drive police cars yet, I can’t think why, so this makes the probability of you having to walk to be somewhere around ‘dead cert’. This means you will require the larger of your two hats. So why ask me every day which one you’ll be needing? I understand this is going to increase the likelihood of messing your hair gel up. I also understand that you believe by wearing a big hat the chicks won’t ‘dig’ you. I even understand that none of the trendy TV cops wear big hats.

Get over it and stop whingeing.

That’s my job.