Brian's Brief Encounters

This is an Unofficial Kaffe Fassett fanzine. Brought to you from a Leafy Suburb of the Throbbing Metropolis.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Reverting To Type

As a Police Officer I have certain rights.

Chief among these is the right to whinge. I feel a really good whinge coming on. So, if you’re of a nervous disposition please stop reading now. This is a standard disclaimer; if you choose to ignore it please don’t tell me. Tell someone who cares. Okay?

There is a very short list of things that give me the hump. Jobsworths have to be in the number one spot. But there is a close second: people who cannot make a decision. I know you may find it hard to believe, but occasionally one or two slip through the net and make it into the modern Police service. They are the current bane of my life.

If this applies to you, listen up for a minute or two.

You’re an adult so I’m just guessing that your mum didn’t dress you this morning. Your choice of underwear for today was completely down to you. Well done, that sounds like a decision to me.

You managed to find your way into work. There must have been a decision or two involved in that. Again, congratulations.

Now we hit a snag. You see, I too have coped with the daily boxer shorts versus skimpy leopard-print thong debate as well as remembering the route to my place of employment. This is only good news for one of us, and that isn’t me. Seeing as my presence has completely absolved you of any more decision making for the rest of the working day.

My diary does not say:-

1000 Hrs- Cure Cancer

1030 Hrs- Launch manned mission to Pluto

1100 Hrs- Break for elevenses

No, like you, my diary is blank. This can only mean one thing:-

Another day of standard police work involving dealing with stuff I’ve dealt with before.

Yes, I understand that I may have been dealing with this ‘stuff’ a little bit longer than you. This is why your diary doesn’t say that you’re heading a murder enquiry team today. Yes, there is a greater chance you may come across something that you haven’t done in the past; in which case you are allowed to contact me.

BUT if you haven’t:-

1. Decided right from wrong


2. Gone as far as you can before phoning me

I reserve the right to swear at you. Although I’m familiar with an awful lot of swear words, you’ve been forcing me to search the internet for some new ones. The short pause before me launching into a long list of expletives was caused by my mouth hanging open in response to your very stupid question. A question I know you know the answer to.

You don’t always wait for us to get out of the station before you want me to play mother. You aren’t allowed to drive police cars yet, I can’t think why, so this makes the probability of you having to walk to be somewhere around ‘dead cert’. This means you will require the larger of your two hats. So why ask me every day which one you’ll be needing? I understand this is going to increase the likelihood of messing your hair gel up. I also understand that you believe by wearing a big hat the chicks won’t ‘dig’ you. I even understand that none of the trendy TV cops wear big hats.

Get over it and stop whingeing.

That’s my job.


At 8/12/05 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Decisions...... I have less than two years service and find myself having to make decisions in situations that our so called acting sergeant with almost 24 years service seems unable to comprehend.... this is the current bane of our entire shift and you have all my sympathy!!

At 8/12/05 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought you were describing the over promoted sgts/insps etc who specialise in make no decision /make no mistake= get promoted

At 8/12/05 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They've given you the task of walking a new puppy?

Lord help the service. :-)

At 8/12/05 8:45 PM, Anonymous Knight of NI said...





They don't even make the tea anymore.

At 9/12/05 9:11 AM, Blogger World Weary Detective said...

I thought that in todays caring sharing 'Team Met' probationers can do what they what how they want whenever they want. Expected to make their own decisions!! WALK!!! Are you mad?

At 9/12/05 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having been in for 3 weeks and attending my not so local training centre - I can sit and cringe as I realise the examples you are giving. Not a week goes by without some asking which hat to use. Or turning up in the wrong one. Strange that considering that our forces said "Only take the big one".

At 9/12/05 7:21 PM, Anonymous Andy said...

Ah.. so you get different hats? WOW. We only get the big one!! I have just completed week 2.. I start the Uni section of the course next week! Go me.. LOL..

At 9/12/05 11:51 PM, Anonymous bluearsedfly said...

I take it that the street duty probationers are playing up and that you are suffering the double whammy of a crop of boy banders

At 10/12/05 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

like my mate said "you feel old now if you don't have designer hair cuts and wooden necklaces" some response team members look like x factor rejects

At 11/12/05 1:41 PM, Anonymous Mytilus said...

I’ve spent the past couple of hours reading your blog (after stumbling across it whilst I really should have been working).

You’re marvellous. I love the way you write.

Now, unfortunately, I’m marginally worried that all this will herald a blog obsession. Like I don’t have enough to do already!

Keep up the good work, but, more importantly, *don’t* stop writing.

At 19/12/05 11:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Street Duties... dont you just love em'. I have just finished being a street duties tutor for the past 10 weeks inthe Met, and it was like pulling teeth. Out of a class of 25 probationers only 3 - yes 3 are looking at going on to be decent coppers. The rest may as well be PCSO's (sorry - no disrespect) as they no F*** all!

PS - Superb Blog!


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