Gissa Job

The last of the nice personnel ladies has gone off into the sunset clutching her carriage clock.

With her went the Personnel Notices.

They were, without doubt, the most widely read documents in the Throbbing Metropolis. They were our very own gossip column, containing all the vital tit-bits to discuss across the canteen tables. That is, after we’d finished the broadsheet crosswords.

Who had been promoted.

Who had moved departments.

Who had been sacked.

Who had gone back to their native county after using the Met to get into the Police.

Invariably, there will be a number of familiar names prompting comments such as:-

“I’m not surprised he’s found an office job”

“Wasn’t that Chief Inspector a probationer here last year?”

“I can’t believe they gave him a gun.”

Together with these important conversation topics; Personnel Notices contained all the information required by the Tardis Syndromites. With their passing we could have had uproar. 30,000 people wanting to be elsewhere and no means of getting there. It’d be like Southern England getting a centimetre of snow, in February, when its least expected.

Thankfully, there was some forethought and we had a team of gritters in the right place. Step forward the heroes and heroines of our HR Directorate. Recognising this potential problem, they launched their version of Personnel Notices. The imaginatively entitled ‘Human Resources Notices’.

Some people scoffed. Saying it was just a change of name. But, I beg to differ. There have definitely been some changes in the advertised jobs. The HR crew have waved a magic wand and got in touch with their creative side.

They have recently advertised a vacancy for God.

Well, they didn’t actually use that word. They dressed it up in fancy HR speak and called it a ‘Faith and Community Liaison Officer’. We all know what they mean though. They have asked for applicants to have:-

‘Knowledge of a wide range of beliefs, customs and traditions of faith communities; a detailed knowledge of at least one faith group with the view of developing relationships with other faith communities; and awareness of the sensitivities both spiritual and temporal between various faith communities.’

In addition they must have:-

‘The ability to motivate individuals and communities’

‘Good communication skills’

‘A high degree of motivation’

‘Ability to work with minimal supervision’

I have to say they haven’t given the job description much thought. They haven’t even mentioned the overtime implications of omnipresence. Thunder and lightning training doesn’t feature either. I’m guessing there might be an office and your own computer terminal in the package. A phone would be handy too. Just in case.

Far be it for me to question the wisdom of employing God, but is it really our job? I think there might be one or two other interested parties. I’m sure they’d want to have a vote or something.

It gives us a few procedural headaches too, like:-

Who would write their appraisal?

What happens when they go on holiday?

Is there a Met issue long white robe?

Who risk-assessed the job?

Will people be allowed to sue us after every natural disaster?

Will they be allowed to crash Police cars without getting into trouble with the Garage Sergeant?

Hopefully, I’ll be able to answer these soon.

After I’ve had my interview.