Shiny Packaging

“I have an RC factor of nil”

“I believe that this is the way forward”

“I’m in touch with the community and am well positioned to meet their needs”

Apologies, just rehearsing for my interview, I think I might have this modern speak off pat now. Several years of indoctrination haven’t gone to waste. I’ll have to do some more work on the long white beard if I’m to stand out from the other applicants though. There’re bound to be a few.

Talking the talk should be a breeze for all of us. Job interviews are the same everywhere. It’s a question of telling the panel exactly what they want to hear; including as many buzz words as possible. Don’t make the mistake of telling them what you really think or, heaven forbid, the truth.

In bygone days I may have been asked to tell them why I wanted to be God in twenty words or less. This was a far simpler process and, dare I say, more relevant? I’m well aware that the HR Directorate will be represented on the interview panel these days. They will want to know that I can recite policy to them verbatim. The policy I read for the first time to prepare for the interview.

It all started with the silver cars. That’s when we were first ‘re-branded’, by the people who want to ‘market our successes’. Since then it’s caught on faster than Su-Doku.

For a long time we had white cars with informative fluorescent stickers saying things like ‘ECILOP’. Now we have silver ones with catchy slogans on the doors. The first job Sir Ian had to perform upon taking office was to decide what message he wanted on his slogan. It’s a good job the Commissioners don’t change every six months or we’d get confused.

Initially we thought the change of colour was caused by the manufacturers running out of white paint, having used it all on re-sprays. But no, it’s for financial reasons. It seems that white cars previously owned by the Met don’t have as high a re-sale value as silver cars previously owned by the Met. Now we know; we drive them much more sedately, honest.

The magic dust was sprinkled over the world renowned Detective Training School at Hendon too. It’s now called the Crime Academy. I don’t know where this idea came from and I’m not sure if we have a Commandant Lassard at the helm either.

The renaming of our quaint old Area Major Investigation Teams remains a mystery. I can’t think they needed the new name to try and drum up more business. Seeing as they used to be the Murder Squad. Now they’re known as Homicide North, West etc. In fact Homicide East is soon to move into new offices. Somewhere in “Stratford South Central” to be exact.

With our new-found ability to never let a band-wagon pass us by without hopping aboard; we’re about to join the cut-throat rubber jewellery world. You heard it here first. Hot off the press are our dark blue mugger bracelets. I haven’t seen the press launch pack so I don’t know if we give them to muggers to help us spot them in a swimming pool, or if they’ll be like a force field. They’d work providing you have the band on the same wrist as the hand that’s clutching your 3G mobile. Try and get two, just to be safe. Can you believe there are already cynics who say that there will be people getting mugged for said item so it can be worn as a trophy? That will never happen.

Those cynics are just dinosaurs who are Resistant to Change.

Not me though.

“I thrive on change.”