Jeremy's Wet Dream

You really are an inquisitive lot.

Questions, questions wherever I go.

Normally I’m able to answer very succinctly and without much beating around the bush. Popular responses include:-

“Five past three.”

“Down the end of the road and turn left.”

“Because I said so.”

I think you’ll agree that these seem pretty straightforward. Occasionally, I have follow-up questions to field for the hard of hearing or hard of understanding; in most cases repetition seems to work. Now, I know the original questions may not have been too taxing and well within my capabilities to answer. So, what do I do when I get a toughie?

You’d be surprised at some of the enquiries we get, sometimes it seems as if you’ve kept those burning questions to yourself until the day you bump into me. Many times I’ve had to double-check my uniform to see if there’s been a ‘Sponsored By Google’ patch sewn on without my knowledge. Fortunately, I can usually phone a friend for any police-type questions I don’t know the answers to; or point you towards the right people for an almost-police-type question. Theoretical physics queries are referred to Stephen Hawkings, whose number I have on speed-dial.

The enquiring among you will be pleased to hear that I won’t be seeking promotion in the near future. So I won’t be needing a place on the popular obfuscation course which is a requirement of any Police officer climbing the career ladder. Every step brings a more advanced course, with Bramshill teaching the PhD level.

This is the only way I can explain a strange policing phenomenon. With each rank, the words used are doubled in response to any question. At the same time the prospect of actually getting an answer halves. In the Throbbing Metropolis structure there are ten ranks above me (not counting PSCO’s). So, that’s a lot of words and precious few answers.

Ever since we entered the world of sound-bite management, abstruse is the new buzzword.

Not everyone is ‘on message’ though. We have a dissenter in the ranks. As a member of the Throbbing Metropolis management board you would have thought that Mr Tiplady would know better. Especially when you consider that as our HR director he should be King of the Buzzwords.

But alas, Mr T regularly displays an old fashioned style in his monthly intranet question and answer session. A quick tally shows that ninety percent of his responses are shorter than the original question. Single word replies have been spotted too. Even stranger is the fact that he answers the questions asked of him. Wow.

Of course there has to be a simple explanation as to why the current Personnel Director of the year chooses to act in this manner. There is; he’s not a policeman so he hasn’t had the courses. Best he sends himself up to Bramshill to straighten this out before the BBC get wind and ask him for an interview.

Paxman would be lost for words.